The Key to Keeping Resolutions

To a lot of people the term “New Year’s Resolutions” sounds rather daunting and final.  “I will lose weight”, “I will quit smoking” sound pretty definite and when they don’t achieve it or fall off the wagon by the second week in January they get rather disheartened and quit.

To combat this, I stopped making “resolutions” about 8 years ago and switched them out for goals. I don’t even make these goals at the start of the year anymore unless I have been contemplating doing something for so long and have decided there and then to make a change. Instead of “I will…” I now say “I will try.” I will try means that you are giving yourself a chance to actually try to actively change something rather than “I must do x/I must do y” and then feeling bad when you don’t stick to it. It means you are allowing yourself the chance to continue should you, say, break from the new lifestyle change you are implementing (I loathe the term “diet” as it only sounds temporary). It also means you are aware that there will be days when things will be more difficult than others and are therefore allowing yourself to be OK with the fact that it’s not going to be plain sailing; that you will try again whether it’s in the next hour, day or when you have recovered.
I firmly believe that one of the only ways to achieve your goals is to change your mentality and not be so hard on yourself when, if your eyes, you’ve failed. Another is to keep trying. The more often you do something, the more likely you are to stick to it. You also have to want to do it. A sure-fire way of resenting what you do and not accomplishing it is doing it purely for other people. If you don’t want it then your heart will not be in it and you will never really be happy with anything you do.

Last year, instead of resolving to lose weight, I thought “it would be really nice if I lost one stone (14lbs) by the end of the year” and then put in effort to do so by changing what and when I ate, making sure I was within the recommended guidelines for calorie intake, sugar intake etc. If I had said “I will lose weight” it would’ve seemed an impossible task as I had vowed to do so before and it had never worked therefore I would quit by week two or by the end of the month. By trying and not being so hard on myself (allowing myself to be fine with knowing that it’s OK to “fail” or have days/periods of time where I was more lenient), not only did I lose one stone (14lbs), I – at the time of writing this – have lose a total of 4 stone 10lbs (66lbs) with only 4lbs to go until I have lost a total of 5 stone (70lbs) and I am now two dress sizes smaller in both my top and bottom halves.
I said I would try to maintain a blog (win) and to relaunch my other passion project (double win). I wanted to do a lot more writing last year  - 25 stories to be exact - and by setting aside some time each day/each week I accomplished that plus more.

This year my goals are to:

Continue to try to lose weight as well as tone up. I needed to do this for my own wellbeing/health but I also wanted to. I did it for me and not because other people told me to. I’ve always been big but I’ve also always been content with who I am as a person and have never seen why I should do what other people say just so that they’ll like me or so that I’ll be included in what they do. Why would I want to be friends with people who couldn’t see past my weight or who wouldn’t take me for who I am?

I want to be more open on my blog’s Twitter account with other projects that I do and what I lend my name to. I have a website that I think a lot of you will enjoy or will support me on and whilst I do promote it on Twitter, I don’t ever say “this is actually mine” as it has links to personal details of mine (my YouTube channel, my nickname etc) that I want to keep separate from the blog.

I want to read more books. I used to read 10+ books a week (not to brag but this was also when I had a social life and a full time job) and now I’m lucky if I read one a month. I’m aiming to finish my second of the year either this weekend (at the time of writing this it is Friday 26^th January) or early next week (the week you’ll see this post) and to start a new one.

I want to write more. I have a goal of 25 stories to write by December. This is a goal I have been keeping annually over the last 4 or so years as part of my other project/website. It started out with just writing enough for ten days and I’ve now built it up to span over 25 days from December 1st up to and including Christmas Day.

I really want to keep questioning why I feel the way I do when I have a bad day and to not let others make me feel bad.

Finally, I want to keep saving up for when I eventually move out and keep buying in smaller items so that when I do, I just need to think about the bigger items like furniture and carpeting.

What are your goals for this year/in the long term?

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves

Everyone gets annoyed. It’s a natural reaction. It can be over something little, something major or even a build-up of so many things over a period of time. Usually, for me, when I am stressed and/or sleep deprived I end up getting annoyed by the little things. It doesn’t help that I have misophonia which is sensitivity to selected sounds. I’ve compiled a list of the things that really get under my skin. I’ll put (M) next to the ones that are triggering to my misophonia.

1. People ending statements with a question mark. It just makes you sound unsure of yourself and if you’re not sure about what you’re saying then how can others trust your statement? For example, if someone writes “I had so much fun?” I end up thinking “did you or did you not have fun?” Are you sure you did have fun?

2. Messiness. If I am in a room I can’t concentrate or sleep if it is messy. As some of you may know; I have been known to tidy friends’ rooms when I’ve stayed over (with permission) but if that’s not possible I go home. It still grates on me, though, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I have spoken to mental health workers about this and have been told that I have obsessive compulsive tendencies brought on by stress and anxiety.

3. Open mouthed chewing/eating noisily. (M) When someone starts crunching down on food or smacking their lips it’s all I can hear. My brain tunes into it and seems to amplify the sound. My shoulders end up by my ears and it makes me want to cry. It drives me crazy and I have to remove myself from the room the person is in.

4. People touching me. I can’t stand being touched – even if it’s someone just putting their hand on my knee or putting their hands on my shoulders. Ideally I like people to ask if they can hug me/touch me for whatever reason (haircuts etc) and it’s all down to not feeling safe around people. If you read my Blogtober post about my experiences with bullying then you’ll probably have guessed that my fear of being touched stems from that.

5. Tinny music in public spaces. If you have headphones; use them. I guarantee no one else wants to hear whatever it is you’re listening to. (M)

There are loads more I could list but out of fear of boring you all or just seeming out of my mind for being triggered by the little things I will stop here.

Is there anything else that grates on you?

Anxiously,

Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on
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The End of Blogtober/ A Recap

Blogtober 2017

Here you will find all of the links to my Blogtober posts!

I know it’s only been two days since my last master list post but I thought I would recap the entirety of Blogtober for you in case you missed any or want a single post where you can find all the individual ones. I’ll list all the links to the weekly recaps which were published on Sundays and then I will list all of the individual posts by type/day below it.
Some artices may have the links missing (from around week 4) as I have been without a secure internet connection this week and as I'm writing this, these posts are still currently listed as "scheduled" so I don't have the published link to be able to set them up now. 

Each individual post can either be accessed by clicking on its title or through any words that are in bold and are underlined.

Week One (1^st – 8^th)

Week Two (9^th – 15^th)

Week Three (16^th – 22^nd)

Week Four (23^rd – 29^th)

30^th October

31^st October (This post)

Mondays – Personal Experience With…

Bullying
Depression
Agoraphobia
Coping/Distraction Techniques
Paranoia

Tuesdays – Posts You’d Usually See on Mondays

Social Media Cleanses
Why I Started Blogging
Art
Little Known Facts

Wednesdays – Mental Health Information

The Circle of Avoidance
10 Rules for Coping with Anxiety
Avoiding Situations
OCD

Thursdays – Self-Care Q&A Responses

Jen
Bunnie
Kerry
Lola

Fridays – Favourites

Songs
Bands & Artists
Products
YouTubers

Saturdays – Super Bloggers

Courtney (Unfiltered Mama)
Bunnie (HappyBunnyBlog)
Cairon (Travel Bear 92)
Jordanne (Of a Glasgow Girl)

Again, please let me know what you think of these posts; I always look forward to reading your comment and I will reply to all of them.

I’m going to take a week or so off from blogging but my next question is: should I do Blogmas? You can either let me know in the comment section below or by the poll I will be posting on Twitter.

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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My Experience with... Paranoia

Paranoia

*Before you read this I would like you to remember that what I am discussing affects me daily and whilst it is an entirely irrational series of thoughts, it is very real to me and is to be taken seriously should any comments be made. I am aware that I sound insane when making the points you’re about to read.*

Out of all the things I haven’t talked about, paranoia is one of them. Not because I don’t want to talk about it but because there’s not really much to say about it. I am extremely paranoid whenever I go out and, at the risk of sounding completely insane, it got so bad when I was 15/16 that I had to take down all of my posters.
I know this started back when I was in school just like a lot of my disorders/illnesses but I can’t quite pinpoint when it started. I know I was at least 15/16 when it got really bad, as pointed out previously, but it’s one of those things that I’ve always felt. I know it started because when I was in Primary School people used to laugh and point at me, and they would make up rumours (childish ones like “she’s so weird”). When I got to high school the pointing, staring, laughing and whispering got even worse that even now I’m convinced that anytime someone is looking at me or when a conversation stops when I walk into a room/past others it’s because of something negative about me – my hair is a mess, I’m too ugly, too fat etc. etc. This is why I had to remove the posters because, no matter where you were in the room, eyes were on you (even though they couldn’t actually see you). I can’t even have my favourite bands/artists as a background on my laptop as it would be there on start-up and shut down and all dvd and CD cases are either in cupboards or boxes because I find them disturbing – and that’s just because the person on the cover was looking directly at the camera.

I’m aware that I sound completely bat-shit crazy but that is how insane paranoia makes you. It’s not rational – as I said I know whoever is on a magazine or CD cover isn’t actually looking at me because there is no way a two-dimensional object can possess the power of sight – but it is something that takes over my daily life. I don’t even like getting changed in front of the Netflix or YouTube home screens because of it, I have every camera (web cams, phone cameras) in my room at is covered and my curtains either don’t get opened or are drawn most of the day when I’m feeling at my worst. Thankfully my paranoia doesn’t extend to other people’s belongings but I do hide when the cameras come out.
I can’t eat in front of others as it makes me extremely uncomfortable. This began in Primary School as I was either being teased about what I had (tuna pasta isn’t “cool”, apparently) or shamed for eating at all because I’m “big enough as it is”. Often this would result in me finding my snack had been stolen and my lunch tampered with. In high school this developed into people throwing their lunch or home economics (cookery class) creations at me. Thanks, peers. You really saved me from those pre-existing medical conditions and medications that made me gain weight and made it impossible for me to lose weight. It was clearly what I ate that brought it on. *insert eye roll emoticon”.
Paranoia also controls whether or not I go out or do certain things in front of others (for example: eating as mentioned above or going to the gym). And I find that I need my distraction techniques whenever I dare to venture outside to stop me from completely breaking down in public.

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Blogtober Weekly Recap #4

Weekly Recap #4

Wow. This month has really flown by. Here I am writing the final master list for a week’s worth of posts. There’s only two days left of Blogtober after this and then I think I’m going to take a well-deserved break from blogging for a week or two whilst I consider doing Blogmas or not. What do you think? Should I do Blogmas? Let me know in the comments below. Also; apologies in advance if this post is missing some links. I'm writing this in advance as I most likely won't have access to a compute/secure wifi and the links aren't available to me right now as they are still set as "scheduled". By the time you read this, however, they will be live. I will try my best to get them set up before I end up with no internet but if I am unable to I will update this page next week.
As always; anything in bold and underlined can be clicked to take you to the blog post I am referring to.

Coping and distraction techniques are a key part to me keeping from having complete meltdowns when I’m out and about so I shared mine with you on Monday.

On Tuesday I shared some more little known facts about me. I previously shared some when I did the requirements for the Versatile Blogger Award.

Wednesday brought some more information in regards to mental health. This week’s informational post was about OCD.

The lovely Lola sent in her answers to my self-care Q & A for Thursday’s post which you can find here.

You can learn all about who my favouriteYouTubers are and why via Friday’s instalment of favourites and who my super blogger of the week is over on Saturday’s post here.

Thanks for coming back for another master list; I really appreciate it and look forward to hearing from you.

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Super Blogger - Jordanne

Super Blogger Saturday

My final Super Blogger of Blogtober is … Jordanne of The Life of a Glasgow Girl! Jordanne is also the creator of @Bloggerstribe on Twitter and she is an Ambassador of Magnitone.

How we met: When I was asking around the blogging community for help over which hashtags to use, the most common one that came up time and time again was the one for bloggerstribe (#bloggerstribe) so I followed the account and, as the creator of the account, Jordanne’s own account was recommended for me to follow. Our first correspondence through her Twitter account was just me replying to a Tweet of hers with a simple hug gif and her thanking me for it. Sometimes all you need is a hug (gif).

Her personality: She is one of the most hardworking bloggers that I have come across during my short time blogging on here. She is another all-round good human who is so lovely, sweet and caring. She is also so helpful and supportive which shines through not only on her personal blog/Twitter but through her Bloggerstribe account too. She is forever rt’ing everyone who uses the hashtag – she must be sick of seeing my name by now!

What she writes about: Jordanne’s blog is full of posts about beauty products, reviews, life stories and parenting tidbits. She is a very “no holds barred” blogger which means that, as long as she is happy to talk about it, no subject is taboo and there are no restrictions as to what she writes about.

Her writing style: When I read Jordanne’s blog posts I feel a connection to her writing and to who she is as her posts are very relatable. I’m not a parent nor have an interest in the beauty genre but every single one of her posts makes for an interesting read. You don’t have to be into that she writes about to enjoy reading her content.
Reading her most recent piece (at the time of writing this) “That’s Life” hit me hard. I understood the inner struggles she talked about and my heart went out to her; not out of pity but because I got it. I get the whole feeling of “bleh” and just having this fog come down around you seemingly out of nowhere when you think you’re getting on great in life. I was glad to hear that she is gradually exposing herself to the things she loves again as it shows how resilient she is. I really admire that quality in her.

Why you should follow her/read her blog: Aside from the fact that she possesses all of the traits I have listed about under “Her Personality” and being a tremendous help hashtag-wise, she also offers packages for advertising with her. These packages start from as little as £1 (rate will vary depending on which currency you use) which includes your blog being listed in her Advertisers post and being included in her #ff (follow Friday) every Friday and her most expensive is the Unicorn Package at £10 which is still a bargain for the amount that she offers within it. You can find all of her package deals here (http://www.thelifeofaglasgowgirl.co.uk/p/advertise.html).

Where you can find her: You can find Jordanne on her personal blog’s Twitter, her blog and through Bloggerstribe on Twitter. You can also follow/like her on Facebook, Pinterest and Bloglovin.

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
This blog
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Instagram.

Little Known Facts About Me

Little Known Facts About Me

I thought I would take it easy for this post and do a little list of 10 little known facts about me. Then I  realised that I’m probably one of the most boring people to ever have existed and discovered that it was actually really quite difficult coming up with even 3 facts but I. DID. IT. So here are “10 Little Known Facts About Me”.

1. I did Judo. Once. I was the only girl and when it came to pairing up, much like with every time we were asked to pick partners in school, I was the odd one out. I think I was about 10 at the time but isn’t it funny how when you’re a kid you can just suss out right from the start whether someone or a group of people are right for you? I just couldn’t shake the feeling that if I went back I would yet again be left out so I quit. It wasn’t a big loss to me; I had no interest in sports of any kind and had no tolerance for martial arts. I don’t regret it either.

2. When I was a kid I used to fantasise about being a popstar and living in a mansion somewhere hot. It wasn’t so much the fame, money or the luxury that drew me in; it was the need to be recognised in a positive way (or just seen at all) and being able to live a life where I could escape from my past by moving as far away as possible.  If I’m completely honest; I still want that. I want people to see me for me and I want to be able to provide for myself despite being unwell.

3. I am double jointed. I only discovered this when I got my fingers jammed in a door and my fingers came out of it looking not unlike E.T’s. Turns out the joints had locked and because they were injured they were taking a little while to release and go back to normal.

4. I can also turn my tongue onto its side (both sides). How I discovered that is beyond me.

5. I can’t sleep if there is a mess. I have been known to tidy up friends’ bedrooms (or wherever we ended up sleeping) just to be able to sleep. I would ask permission first and they would be fine with it – it was freeing cleaning after all. They didn’t understand my need, this compulsion, to do so and neither did I until I started going to group sessions for anxiety and found out it was one of the traits that belongs to the OCD side of one of the forms of anxiety that I have.

6. Just over two years ago I won tickets to see Little Mix and One Direction at the Apple Music Festival in London. Aside from the anxiety and travel side of things (over 9 hours by coach and then another hour or so navigating the tube), it was an amazing experience.

7. That trip was also my first time away without my parents.

8. I have met Westlife, two of my favourite YouTubers/Vloggers (Jenna Marbles and Julien Solomita) follow my personal Twitter and Lilly Singh (iisuperwomanii on YT) has mentioned me by name in one of her vlogsprobably about 2 years ago now. If you’re wondering why there is no link to said vlog; I don’t want my personal account to be associated with this blog as it takes away the whole “being anonymous” thing I have going on.

9. In school I chose to learn both French and Spanish. I learned how to speak French when I was 3 from educational TV shows and songs but no longer speak it or Spanish fluently. I loved being in those classes. Myself and one other girl ended up confusing the teacher we had as she taught both of the classes and we sat in the same seats for both lessons. It also didn’t help that one day a week she taught us French 2^nd period and then Spanish 3^rd after a break. I also know Portuguese and Italian through songs and translating Tweets on an account for my other website.

10. I don’t speak about it but I have PCoS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It’s an absolute pain in the ass (well, ovaries and uterus). I was told at 14 after tests that I had it and it was a relief to know that the extremely horrendous pain I was feeling, the breaks in between periods and the amount of blood loss I was experiencing was actually down to a medical condition and not something being seriously wrong. I was on medication for about 7 years for it until they had to change it because it was deemed a health risk (links to causing cancer and , oh, death) and also would have been a lethal combination with the antidepressants I was prescribed at the time too. Fun.

I hope you enjoyed those facts and learned something about me that you didn’t before. Have you had similar experiences?

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on
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Super Blogger - Cairon of Travel Bear

Super Blogger Saturday

My Super Blogger of the week is the amazing Cairon of TravelBear.  If you love the whole aspect of travel, amazing destinations and reading about them from someone else’s point of view then yyou should check out her blog.

How we met: When  I was new to doing promotion for my blog I followed a lot of people. Pretty much anyone who was recommended to me who was an advocate for mental health, had an amusing bio or Tweeted relatable things got a follow from me and Cairon’s account ticked all those boxes. She is also the one who nominated me for the “Versatile Blogger Award” and is the sole cause of the small breakdown I had because of it. I’m just kidding. I saw all these notifications and thought “what have I done?” I was so relieved it was just other people responding to her nomination list.

Her personality: She is adventurous as you can tell from her blog content (some listed below) and just super sweet. I think we had only maybe shared a couple of tweets between us before she nominated me but after she did I sent her a DM thanking her and she was just so friendly. She’s the kind of person that you talk to and you think “I really hope you get to see your dreams come true”. There’s not a mean or unkind bone in her body. She’s also incredibly helpful which you will discover if you read her post about budgeting (linked in the next paragraph)

What she writes about: Her blogs include posts about her Bucket List for Hong Kong, her experiences with budgeting for her new venture in Australia next year and how Disney World’s magic changed her life. You’ll find posts jam-packed with all of her fun adventures and even some posts where you can get to know all about her.

Her writing style: When Cairon blogs she always comes across as enthusiastic which is something I think a lot of us look for in a blogger. Her posts are informal and you feel as though you are reading something a friend has written even though at first you are on the blog of a complete stranger. Her budgeting piece that I have listed above is full of information about the services that she used but she doesn’t tell you that you HAVE to follow the exact same plan or go with the same services she has provided information for. She simply writes that this was who she used, what her experience was with them and if she recommends using them or not. At one point she even recommends going a different route rather than using the example of a service she has given. 

Why you should follow her/read her blog: Cairon is just such a lovely lass and if you enjoy reading about travelling/other peoples’ experiences with travelling then she is the blogger for you. She’s super friendly too so if you leave her a comment or tweet at her she will find time to respond.

Where you can find her: You can find Cairon on Twitter as @travelbear92 and you can read her blog here.

So why not go check Cairon’s blog and social media out and give her a follow or send her a friendly “hello”?

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
This blog
Twitter
Facebook
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Art

Art

When I was a kid, you could either find me writing, singing or drawing (never in class in case I got in trouble – I was anxious even back then). At home I was always daydreaming about what I wanted my life to be like – where I would live, what kind of house I would have, what my career would be… and then I would turn it into either a fictional piece of writing or I would draw what I had envisioned for myself. One time I even started a scrapbook with cut-outs from magazines and catalogues whereas nowadays I use Pinterest for that kind of thing. It was my way of coping with being bullied and having either no friends or only one at a time who would soon get bored of me because I didn’t like whatever was “in” at the time. As I got older, my need to be creative got even more intense as did my want to fit in. I joined a children’s circus which I attend up until I left Primary School, I was involved with NYCoS (National Youth Choir of Scotland), was in a choir at both Primary and secondary school, I was a leader at a local kid’s club and I joined a creative writing group. I would still do art work at home and write fictional pieces for myself but I kept that part of my world private. I didn’t want others to know that side of me for fear of being made fun for it, that my fantasies of finding someone who would love me for me and getting married to them were laughable to them because I was constantly told that I was “too fat” for “human things” like pretty dresses (yep; kids and shop assistants can be really cruel) and “too ugly” to even keep a friend never mind a boyfriend. I didn’t even have someone that I could share things like that with because I found out at a very early age that I couldn’t confide in people my age because they would take it and use it to make of me. Even now I don’t share things like that with anyone as I have never learned to trust anyone enough to be that vulnerable around them. I don’t mind people seeing me in my depressed state because I’m not ashamed of it but I will never let them see what makes me the happiest for fear of it being taken away. I have very few good days as it is and I will be damned if someone makes it so that I can’t enjoy even the smallest of things that make me happy.

As time went on and I got to high school, I had completely stopped getting any sort of enjoyment from performing or doing art due to a couple of teachers. This began in my very first week of high school and got really bad during my senior years (4^th, 5^th and 6^th year here). I stopped taking music class and going to choir when I entered 3^rd year (we got to pick most of our classes) because when I was in 1^st year the teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on a test (or “pop quiz” as they’re known in some places). I hadn’t been cheating at all and there was no way for me to do so. I sat at the very back of the class (wasn’t even that far back as there were instruments behind us so I was more in the middle of the room), didn’t have a desk partner that I could’ve been copying off of and my phone was at home. I hadn’t been doing anything that could’ve looked suspicious either; I was just filling in my test form. I could never tell whether or not she was ever being genuinely sincere either as everything that came out of her mouth sounded sarcastic. I had started to physically feel unwell the night before I was due in her class as well (which I would later find out was a symptom of my anxiety) so I started missing school due to being unable to get out of bed for fear of being sick or would go home at lunch feeling unwell before her afternoon class. I would end up with throat infection after throat infection making it difficult for me to sing (late found to be brought on by the stress of being in her class). I spent a lot of time in the nurse’s office over those two years that I had her.
In art class I didn’t get any form of support from my teachers over the last two years that I was doing the course and aside from my anxiety and depression getting really bad, I clashed a bit with one of them. I wasn’t a kid who shouted out in class or who disrupted it; she just liked to pick on every single thing that I did. I didn’t like her for that reason and she made it clear that she didn’t like me despite not having a reason to – I certainly wasn’t going to give her one. She would tell me off if I decided to talk to the other kids at my table (which was rare as it was as I liked to just go in and get my work done and I was always quiet even when speaking) and would just make me feel unwelcome in her class. She seemed to get a kick out of making me feel like an outcast in her class so when I found out the she was taking my class again in 6^th year after 3 years of having other teachers, I gave her a couple of months to see if she did anything. At first we were fine; she actually said that she was “thrilled” to have me back and I was willing to let my first two-year experience of having her as a teacher slide. I wanted to get through my final year with very little to no issues. Then the little things that she did started to wear me down. Any tools that she gave me (pencils, clay cutting implements) were broken or severely damaged. When I asked for replacements she would spend most of the class looking for them so I couldn’t do any of my work (and would then tell me off for not having done anything) and when I didn’t know how to do something (photoshop for example), she would act as though teaching me how to use it was a chore. It got to the point where I was mute during my lessons with her (apart from the anxiety-inducing action of having to call out “here”) and I stopped asking her for help. I had had enough to the point where getting a good grade in her class wasn’t worth going in and feeling like everything I did was wrong so I would give into my feeling of being ill again (which I had tried to put aside for my last year for fear of not getting any qualifications so that I could go to college and live the life I wanted) and go home or not go to school at all. I spoke to my head of year about how being in class made me feel and he offered to speak to her about it but I didn’t want there to be any further issues stemming from doing so therefore my only option was to drop art. I felt like a failure but I was also so relieved that I no longer had anything holding me back or getting me down teacher-wise. 

However, in spite of all that, I would really like to share some of my art work with you at a later date so keep your eyes peeled for that!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
This mental health and lifestyle blog
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Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia.

Google’s Definition: extreme or irrational fear of open or public places.

Dictionary Definition: Noun, Psychiatry - an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

My agoraphobia started back when I was in high school. Back then I didn’t know it was agoraphobia or even anxiety that was causing it; I just knew that I couldn’t stand being in crowds or in big groups for very long and that this intense feeling made me want to run away and stay at home. As I said; I didn’t know that there was a name for this feeling and no one seemed to understand that when I felt this way I needed to leave whatever situation I was in and either come back when there was no one around (if it was a busy place) or be in an environment where I felt safe (at home with only my family) and that when I felt this way I couldn’t bear to be with anyone bar my parents. I would feel myself getting ill at even the thought of going out and would have what I would eventually discover to be panic attacks.


It made being with my group of friends quite difficult as in spite of being left out of many plans, I would find myself making excuses (too busy with homework, seeing my best friend who lived miles away etc) just in case they ever did invite me out. I thought that this was just because I had grown so accustomed to being left out and to being bullied whenever I left the house that I was putting a stop to getting hurt in the first place but it turns out that this panicky state I was getting into was due to anxiety. In a way, it did grow from my fears of being bullied and left out but sometimes I wonder if I was always just supposed to be this way because I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious.

From the age of 17 this feeling only grew stronger. It got to the point where at school I would only hang out with my friends at the bottom of the back staircase during break as no one went there and if they wanted to move away from that area, I was stay behind by myself as the thought of going out into crowded hallways where I would be shoved and going out onto the grounds where I was be used as target practice for ball-based sports and as a human bin for other kids’ home economics (cookery class) creations terrified me. I was being allowed out of my classes 5 minutes early (thanks to my P.E teacher when I entered 3rd year at 14 who also let me study in the library during her classes to avoid the bullies) in order to beat the crowds and get to classes safely and at home time I was allowed out 10 minutes early to be able to get far enough away from the school that I would nearly be home by the time the rest of the kids got out. By college I was only going out to go to classes, my work placement or to a kids’ club I was a leader at. I was barely getting by due to my anxiety and depression and the only thing that made me happy was that one night a week where I could focus on entertaining the children with my best friend at my side. After I left college (you can find out the story behind that here) I was unemployed for two years and only left the house to sign on at the job centre or go to interviews for jobs that I didn’t even want. Nothing was going right, I was a complete mess and it led to me being even more depressed and anxious.

I would love to be able to tell you that now I go out as often as I can and enjoy it but that would be a lie and if there’s one thing I am not; it is a liar. I still hardly go out. I used to be in a routine over the last year or so where I would go to a group session one day a week and go into town every Friday but even that has stopped as I am longer seen by the department where I was receiving said treatment and have been waiting since last December for a referral to another. Going out it still extremely scary to me and I’m still recovering from all the times my now ex-best friend would guilt trip me into going out. I didn’t want to go out because I felt so ill and she would keep going on about how I “barely did anything”. Eventually she would say she desperately needed something and I would pull on my shoes and coat because I can’t stand people to go without.

Anxiously,

Me


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Blogtober Weekly Recap #2

Weekly Recap #2

Time for another weekly recap! I really enjoy writing these lists as, not only does it help me to see how much I was able to post, it allows you – the reader – to conveniently find all of this week’s posts if you happened to miss them and want a catch up or want to do a bit of a marathon blog reading.
As with before; anything that is in bold and underlined can be clicked and will take you to the page in question.

This week my personal post was on my experience with depression; when I knew I had it, what caused it, when I was diagnosed, how I coped during my school years and the treatment I have received for it since.

I also revealed why I started blogging and why that ties in with my illnesses.

On Wednesday I posted “10 Rules forCoping with Panic”. Now these aren’t definitive and you may have your own but these are the ones that myself and a group of people that I spent quite a bit of time with were taught. Some have really helped me to put some things into perspective.

Thursday’s “Self-Care Q & A Response” was sent in by my friend Bunnie. She is a fellow blogger and just a stand up human being.

Following on with last Friday’s Favourites, this Friday’s post was dedicated to a few of the bands and artists that I really admire and love the music of.

And finally; this week’s Super Blogger is Bunnie. You can read all about why I chose her here.

Thanks for clicking for my blog; it’s really appreciated and I would love to hear from you.

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:

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Super Blogger - Bunnie

Super Blogger Saturday

You might remember that she was my guest blogger on Thursday so, in keeping with one of my other posts this week and as a bit of a theme, this week’s Super Blogger is Bunnie. You can find all of her links at the end of this post.

How we met: I’m not sure who followed who first. I do recall that I replied to a #bloggerswanted request Tweet that she sent out back in August when she was looking for guest posters to write about their mental health and she emailed me straight away. You can read the piece that I wrote for her here.

Her personality: Bunnie is genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure of speaking with via social media and email. She always replies with the warmest and friendliest of responses and is always up to lend a hand whether it’s with checking something works on my blog or simply by being there to talk to. Like with other super bloggers that I have/will be mentioning; she is extremely supportive and is an all-round amazing human being.

What she writes about: Like me, Bunnie writes about mental health and her blog also falls into the lifestyle category. Whilst her blog is still fairly new, so far she’s written about Accepting ChronicDepression and what’s in her Panic Bag.

All of her posts are personal to her – she basically bares her soul on her blog – and I think that makes it so much easier for her readers to connect with her and get a feel of who she is.

Her writing style: Bunnie pretty much writes in a conversational style – as though she were talking directly to you and not at you. It’s one of the things I like the most about her. The way she writes makes for easy reading and you instantly feel welcome on her blog.

Why you should follow her/read her blog: You should definitely check out Bunnie’s blog and her various social media if you enjoy reading any of her posts that I have listed above or if you like reading my blog as our overall concepts are very similar. If you’re interested in reading about how other people deal with their mental wellbeing then her blog is certainly one to check out.

Where you can find her: You can find Bunnie on Twitter as @happybunnieblog and you can read her blog here.

So; why not check her out? Be sure to say “hi” when you’re there or even give her a little follow!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Self-Care Q&A Response #12 ft. Bunnie

Self-Care Q&A

My new friend, Bunnie, is the 3^rd contributor in this round! You can find her on Twitter and her blog. Discover what she had to say about self-care here:

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

I feel tired and run down. I can feel myself slipping/getting lower in mood. I don’t want to go out.

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I like to do it alone.

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

Sometimes. Yes, most of the time. I feel like I’m needed and if I go to take a day to myself to sleep and wind down the whole word goes into chaos. (My world and home life at least)

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

I have two animals, a cat and a hedgehog. As cats generally are, my boy is laid back and very easy to look after. However, my hedgehog is hard work. I adore her. I wouldn’t change her for the world, I never regret getting her but she is a lot of work. I also have a partner whom I live with. I am besotted but he relies on me quite heavily. We both struggle with mental health issues and I feel like I have to be around and stable/okay to make sure I can support him. He would probably hate to hear me say this. He doesn’t do anything to make me feel that way – it’s just how I feel even if it’s not true.

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

Not guilty as such. I don’t think that would be the right word. I know that the people around me know of my struggles and that it’s something I need to do (heck, everyone should do) but like you said before – I do feel that I need to rush.

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

I have a whole routine I have written up which one day I would love to follow. It includes proper bed and meal times and a “Mental Health Day” where my phone is off and everything but self-care is cancelled – I am unavailable to any-one else. Yet, at the minute it’s just me grabbing a bath in the evenings I can, to unwind.

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

 Not really in a set order but there are certain things I like to do on MH days

·         Eat healthier and three full meals

·         Plenty of water

·         Bath with candles and relaxing music

·         Yoga

·         Meditate

·         Brain training apps

·         Read

·         Drink camomile tea

·         Have a chat with someone on 7 Cups (kind of like counselling)

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

Carry out my MH day, sometimes I’ll bake, read, watch a film (especially “Inside Out” which reminds me it’s okay to feel the things I feel) but my favourite thing is, if I’m feeling up to it (and can get a lift). I visit my best friend. She has an 11 month old and they never fail to cheer me up. I know I can just be myself and sit and feel sorry for myself, have a nap or watch crap on YouTube. She’ll normally drag me out to the shops which is good because I get some sunlight and a little walk. If the weather’s nice we’ll have lunch outside too which is lovely. Plus her little one gives the BEST cuddles.

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

No, I really should have some affirmations. I suppose I try to remind myself that it’s okay to feel the things I’m feeling, that I’m human, I’m not alone and it’s not going to last forever. After writing this out I think I’m going to add that perhaps I’m feeling low as a reminder to take some time to myself.

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this? 

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE TIME TO YOURSELF. It’s necessary actually. It’s an order okay? DO IT. Take one day a week. Do something YOU love. Turn off your phone. Shut everything else out – this is time for you. Nothing else matters today.

~ Thanks again to Bunnie for answering the questions! Remember that you can find her at happybunnieblog.wixsite.com/happybunnie and https://twitter.com/happybunnieblog.

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.

You can find Anxiously, Me on:

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10 Rules for Coping with Panic

10 Rules for Coping with Panic

1. Do breathing techniques – breathe in through your nose for a count of 8 and then out through your mouth for the same length of time.

2. Try not to run away from the place where your panic attack occurs. The longer you wait, the better you should feel as the fear begins to pass. If you keep leaving when you feel at your worst then it gets harder to return.

3. Your body has a natural “fight or flight” response and the panic attack is an exaggeration of this.

4. Whilst they might be intense; these feelings will not harm you and are not dangerous.

5. Try to rationalise your feelings. Look out for catastrophic and exaggerated thinking.

6. Take notice of what is actually happening in/to your body (physical symptoms) - not the fear - and keep breathing. It will pass.

7. It may seem obvious but the fear will fade once you stop adding frightening thoughts into the mix.

8. Take the panic attack as a time to practice coping techniques. You are learning how to cope with your fear without avoiding it.

9. Think of all the progress you have already made – there are no little accomplishments when recovering. Everything you accomplish – be it big or small – is a key part in your recovery.

10. When the feeling of panic/panic attack goes away; look around you. Make a list of what you want to do next – where you want to go, who you want to see etc – and move on at your own pace.

*Note: Pieces about Mental Health Information are based off of what I have been taught and the "homework" books that were given are used as a guideline for these posts. Whilst I may have been taught these things by health care professionals, I am not one and information may change or be inaccurate. If you feel at risk by your thoughts and feelings or have concerns about you health; please seek help from loved ones and health care professionals. This information is not to be used to self-diagnose. If you know you have hypochondriac tendencies, are sensitive to subjects like bullying, depression and anxiety, and are easily triggered then information and experiences shared in this blog may cause distress. I have tried my best to provide trigger warnings and warnings about sensitive subjects but please read at your own discretion.

Why I Started Blogging

I have a passion for writing and I’ve had several blogs over the last 12 or so years. Back then it wasn’t referred to as “blogging” – it was just posting about whatever came to mind on sites like MySpace. I stopped when I got to about the age of 15 as by then bullies at school where using it as a way to cyber bully me and I couldn’t face logging in to yet another torrent of abuse. There wasn’t a protocol for reporting it either as at that point cyberbullying wasn’t a term that was being used and there was no way of prosecuting anyone for it. There wasn’t even awareness that this was an actual thing that was happening. I made the mistake of making an ask.fm account in my final year of high school and the cyberbullying continued. As there was the option to be anonymous, I noticed that the influx of mean messages increased when I got to college and started doing the work experience part of the course. There was a distinct difference in tone between the people I went to school with and those that I was at college with/working with so I just thought it best to close down the account. If that was how everyone saw me - “batty”, “fat”, “ugly”, “miserable c***” (and a whole lot worse that I won’t repeat because I really don’t feel like reliving what made me suicidal or end up triggering anyone) for being depressed, anxious and openly writing fan fiction then I didn’t want to know. If they couldn’t say it to my face then why should I let them post it anonymously? I was depressed enough as it was without it encouraging a cyberbullying free-for-all.

I started blogging again when I left high school but only got into a routine in the last 3 months and these days I blog as a way to stop myself from bottling up how I feel. It acts as a release of sorts. When an article is finished, uploaded and published I feel this sense of relief that comes from physically releasing my thoughts out into the world and it helps me to forget about whatever I’ve been writing about for a while. The only downfall from this, though, is knowing that what I say is out there for everyone to see and it makes me extremely anxious waiting to see if anyone comments with something negative about it or criticises it without being constructive as I am so used to receiving comments from people over the years telling me that I’m “crazy”, that I should just “get over it” and to “get a life” because “no one cares”. This has played a huge part in my need to be anonymous; to stop the comments from getting to the point where they are attacking me personally for my looks or for who they think I am based off of going to school with me and not even knowing me.

My Writing History:

I have been writing fictional short stories based on my depression and anxiety for years now – at least since I was about 12 so that’s 13 years of writing – and decided around 7 years ago that I would start writing openly about my own life. I more or less only wrote my journal-style posts for myself for nearly 7 years until I decided to venture out into posting more informational pieces and wanted to see how it would do if I were to suddenly start promoting it on Twitter (and make said social media account for it). I also have a website that hosts fictional stories that I am currently in the process of relaunching and at some point will probably link to it from here – if I ever get over the fear of showing you all the fictional things that I have created.

The original version of the blog started as a bit of an online journal where I would write about what I had been up to, how I felt and whatever had been causing my distress that week and has now turned into a blog that has not only made myself feel not as alone but has made other people feel like someone else was in the same boat. The amount of connections I have made because of this blog has been phenomenal and I am completely taken aback by the response to it.

Being Overwhelmed:

When I feel overwhelmed I take to writing and it helps me to refocus and not concentrate on whatever has been bothering me. As of this year, though, blogging has been a tad overwhelming so I’ve been writing more and more which is both a blessing and a curse (hello, Blogtober). The blog has done better than I ever could have imagined in such a short amount of time and it’s been quite surprising to me to see just how well it has done as until this year no one cared about what I wrote or even how I felt. That in itself is just mind blowing.

A Change:

As a result of making the Twitter account for this blog, it has really boosted my confidence in writing. I would even go as far to say that this version of my blog has been a bit of life changer. It’s so weird to know that people actually like the real me and are willing to keep coming back week after week (or in Blogtober’s case; day after day) to get to know me better and to help us all to not feel as alone. I feel better about myself too and I’m so happy that a lot of you have messaged me over the last few months to say that you feel better too or that my posts have given you the confidence to seek help or to even be a bit more social on social media. I’m not a doctor or mental health care professional by any means but I have been through a lot of treatment over the years as well as just experiencing things like agoraphobia and severe anxiety & depression and I’m so glad that I am able to share with you all my experiences and what I’ve learned from being in treatment.

So: thank you from the bottom of my heart for either coming back time and time again or for even being a new reader. There are over 500 of you on Twitter who read my blog, who choose to message me whether it’s just to say “hi” or because you need a friend and whom are just some of the loveliest people ever. It amazes me how many times certain posts of mine get viewed, how many of you “like” my Instagram posts and how many of you RT things I Tweet over on Twitter. It’s not about the numbers, though. It’s about the loving and caring nature of it all. I’ve never felt such love before and it’s all down to you wonderful lot.

Thanks for sticking by me!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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My Experience with... Depression

My Experience with… Depression

As some of you are aware from previous posts of mine; I’ve had depression from a very young age. I showed signs of having it from when I about 10 but was only officially diagnosed with having it at 19 when I was no longer considered being of school age. I think I have mentioned before that my doctor didn’t want to formally diagnose me until I was out of school and I think that it’s because it is not really recommended to give anti-depressants to children/teenagers. Initially it was put down to “being a teenager”, “hormones” and “rebellion” – which I resented as I wasn’t intentionally being rebellious; I felt like I was drowning and bullying at school made me not want to go (it made me so anxious and down) so, if I could get out of going to school, I would. In my post about anxiety I wrote that I would call up the school myself and tell them that I wasn’t going back (if it was after lunch) or that I just wasn’t going in at all that day. Being depressed and anxious made me physically ill (on top of dealing with horrendous periods but I’ll skip that for now) so I often felt too sick to even get out of bed and didn’t want to go to school for fear of being sick in class and not being able to get to a toilet in time. I would constantly have breakdowns – particularly the night before homework was due in or tests – and I regularly battled between not sleeping most nights (Sunday nights – Thursday), getting an hour or so of sleep, waking up every 20-30 mins or even sleeping too much (Fri nights – Sunday daytime. I was so low, physically & mentally ill and tired, and no matter how many times I went to the doctors or told my teachers; no one seemed to want to help. The bullying made me suicidal, as I stated in my anxiety post. I didn’t want to go to school where I had to be with those people and I didn’t want to have my home life invaded by them either as by the time I was in my final year of Primary School, the bullies had literally brought their insults and taunts to my front door. It was a really miserable time.

I thought things would be different when I went to college but it wasn’t. I was still being bullied, this time by new people who I had no connection with, and I was having a really difficult time with coping. It was during college that I had such a massive breakdown that I was signed off sick for weeks at a time until I eventually had to leave about 2 months before the end of my course due to being so unwell, not being able to go to college and not wanting or having the energy to do my coursework. I felt like such a failure for having to leave and sometimes I still do when I’m reminded of it with each new school year and “back to school” post. However, I remind myself that I made the decision to leave because I couldn’t cope and that it wasn’t worth my mental health suffering any more than it already had.

Another thing that affected my depression was the lack of sunlight. Here in Scotland schools start in August and finish in June so a lot of our schooling done in the autumn & winter months but even our springs can be quite dark as well. At college, we started in September so it was already getting darker at night. I left my house at 6:50 in the morning when it was still dark and would return after 6pm, sometimes after 8, when it would be dark again. The only times I saw daylight were walking from the bus to my college and if I happened to look out of the window during lectures. I’d wake up, get ready, go to college, be in lectures from 9-4, get home for 6, have dinner, shower and go straight to bed. My time was either spent in theory classes, at the schools where I did my practical work or in bed crying. I wasn’t living. I merely existed. And I didn’t want to.

I spent the next two years on benefits because I couldn’t work due to my depression and anxiety but, as doctors wouldn’t diagnose me or give me treatment other than medication which I didn’t want to take, I had to sign on every two weeks. Going to the job centre every two weeks would drive anyone insane. It made me feel worse to be made to apply for jobs (otherwise you get sanctioned and your money gets stopped) that I knew either wouldn’t get or wouldn’t keep due to my illnesses. I felt pressured into getting a job every time I went in and was made to feel as though my efforts weren’t enough despite applying for more than 2 jobs a day and going to interviews. They could clearly see that I was in distress but, again, no one wanted to help. It was only after I got my first “proper” (translation: paid) job and lost it due to being ill that my adviser suggested that I apply to get ESA (Employment & Support Allowance). I didn’t even know that that was choice. It seems to be that to be considered a “valuable member of society” you have to get a job and you can’t have illnesses that make you unable to do so as it then automatically makes you a “scrounger”. I’m far from being a scrounger and I’m not lazy; I am mentally unable to cope with having a job due to crippling social anxiety and can’t keep one because most days I can’t even get out of bed due to my depression and severe anxiety. I felt bad even being on benefits but I had my share of bills to pay and no means of being able to live without it and now I feel bad about being on ESA. I didn’t choose to become ill. I didn’t choose to be unable to cope with what goes on in my head and what happens around/to me. It just happened.

I don’t know how to get over these feelings of depression and anxiety or to stop feeling guilty for being on benefits/not being able to work so I do what I feel I do best; I write. Before it was writing fictional pieces loosely based on what I was going through and now I write these blog posts. I still get nervous sharing them, though, as there are people who simply just don’t understand. That makes me scared. It makes me scared that, like when I shared my thoughts and feelings on the internet when I was of school age, that my comments section will be filled with vicious trolls who get a kick out of making people miserable because they know they are susceptible to being tormented by it. Unlike back then, today I can just delete any negative comments and there are ways of banning people so please keep that in mind.

Anxiously,
Me

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