Can't Sleep

Can’t Sleep

Just before Christmas my anxious brain thought it would be hilarious if I could no longer sleep in the dark (or at all a lot of the time) and since then I have either been up all night or coasting by on very little sleep. In the 14 months before that I had finally managed to get into a pattern of falling asleep before midnight (or at least before 2am) and waking up at a reasonable time (for me this is before 10am) after over a decade of being unable to sleep before 4am (or not sleeping at all) and not being able to get out of bed before 3pm.
For those who are familiar with my late night tweets (you can follow me here) then you’ll know that, for me, being in the dark leads to panic attacks. It’s not that I’m afraid of the dark in the traditional sense( I’m very aware that monsters and demons do not live under my bed but rather in my head), it’s the fact that the darkness feels rather smothering and that in turns means that I – quite literally – cannot breathe. In cases like that I usually open my window up as wide as I can and breathe in and out for counts of 10. However, that is a lot easier said than done when it’s winter and the Beast from the East has taken over. I’ve had to resort to using distraction techniques instead to take my mind off of an attack.

*Trigger Warning – Don’t read the next line if associated words trigger you. If you want to know the triggers are then they listed next.*

*Triggers: panic attacks, nightmares, death*

Here is a breakdown of this time period and how I managed to feel even just slightly better about falling asleep and how I’ve managed to get at least a couple of hours sleep each night:

This first night started with a panic attack. As soon as it started to get dark outside (around 3pm) I could feel the panic is my constantly anxious body rising and I knew that I would be in for a night of broken sleep at best. I managed to stave off a panic attack until the time I got into bed at about 8pm. That may sound really early for some of you but, with my depression being worse due to the winter months and lack of sunlight, I’ve been finding it hard not to be in bed ready to wind down enough to sleep before 7:30pm. I managed to get through the panic attack but, like they always do, it left me feeling rather deflated, lethargic and unable to get my mind off of it. It might sound cheesy but putting on a Westlife tour DVD that night really helped me to at least not think of what my brain and body had just gone through. All until I wanted to go to sleep. I had managed to drift off just after 2am but was awoken by an anxiety nightmare (I have no idea why anyone calls them “anxiety dreams” as I certainly don’t consider one of my dreams to be discovering that my teeth are shattering and falling out) and a bit of a fever at 3. The nightmare had felt so real that even though I was checking with my tongue, I couldn’t feel my teeth for a good five minutes. It was like my tongue had gone numb or just that it just didn’t recognise what my teeth felt like and it made the aftermath all the worse. It took me a while to calm down (I recall looking at the clock and seeing that it was after 5 in the morning) with the help of deep breathing and putting on “Friends” quietly in the background. By having a focal point I managed to concentrate on breathing and very slowly all my senses came back to me. It no longer felt like I was underwater and I decided that I was brave enough to try to sleep again. I only slept for about 3 hours in total but it was so much better than not sleeping at all.

Since then I haven’t felt comfortable enough to fall asleep without a familiar comedy playing in the background and for the first few nights I purposely only watched Westlife tour DVDs before attempting to sleep as they are guaranteed to make me feel well enough to do so. Even though Westlife haven’t been together in about 6 years they still bring me immense amounts of joy and bring a sense of calmness over me. I owe a lot to them but I’ll leave that for another post.
After a couple of nights I felt well enough not to put on one of their shows and switched to watching at least one movie before changing over to “Friends” or another movie that I have previously seen because my anxious brain’s FOMO (fear of missing out) is apparently still prevalent even when I’m alone and I know can watch the movie again thanks to Netflix or even my DVD collection. Some nights I would just switch on “Friends” straight away and watch a couple of episodes before falling asleep and then watching the ones I had slept through the next day.

It’s been about twelve weeks since this cycle started and I am yet to feel like I can go to sleep without the TV being on. Aside from having frequent panic attacks, I also struggle with the intense feeling of panic that I am going to die if I close my eyes or that something bad will happen if I do. It has also been during this time that my phone, which is usually on silent because ringtones get on my nerves after a while and notification sounds trigger my misophonia (so they can do one), has been set to sound or, at the very least, vibrate as this fear that someone needs to get a hold of me late at night to tell me something has gone wrong/someone’s in hospital or has died has taken over my life. I should probably tell you that just before this period of not being able to sleep started that my brother had been taken into hospital and both my mother and I could not be reached at that time and I was also dealing with anxiety over pains and lumps I had found, so it (being unable to sleep) was bound to happen at some point. Hopefully I’ll be back to my new old self soon.

I hope this post made sense and I’m sorry if I jumped around a lot or if you feel like I missed anything out/glossed over anything. I wrote this a stream of consciousness but tried to stick to the topic of being unable to sleep and it’s subtopics of why I can’t sleep and what I’ve been doing to remedy it.

If you want to know more or want me to go into detail about something that I’ve mentioned then feel free to ask. If you want a list of what programmes/movies I’ve managed to sleep through (because they are familiar) then let me know and I’ll post it as a lighter take on this post. I know some of you like that more in depth look into other people’s brains and what they like/don’t like and I promise that I will not find it intrusive of you to ask for it.

Take care!

Anxiously,

Me

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Coping & Distraction Techniques

Coping/Distraction Techniques

My need for distractions began, like with my disorders, at a very young age. I would come home and the first thing I would do was go to my room and listen to music to escape the torment of bullies and to stop their vicious words from going around in my head on a continuous loop, completely destroying me and driving me insane. Here is a small list of distraction techniques that I use when I’m going into situations that cause me distress like travelling and when I begin to feel run down my by depression and anxiety:

Music/iPod – I like to listen to a lot of the artists featured on my favourite bands & artists list from week one of Blogtober. If I’m at home I will have them on whilst I write up posts that make me incredibly sad to rehash or they will be on whilst I take some time to just lay on my bed and breathe. If I’m out and about I will charge up my iPod the night before to make sure it has enough battery to last the length of my travel time or for however long I may be in a particular shop.

Movies/Programmes/YouTube – Sometimes music isn’t enough and I need a visual distraction. This is when my favourite movies come out and I watch some of my favourite programmes on Netflix or I watch some of favourite YouTubers listed here.

Tapping – We had a session where the facilitator taught us about tapping pressure points. You start at the top of your body and you use two or more fingers to tap parts of your body to a particular beat. You make your way down, tapping various pressure points and repeat until you feel calm. You can even say positive affirmation with it for something like “I am not afraid of x, I am in a safe place” as long as they follow the same beat – like when making up a rhyme.

My phone/Kindle – As with movies/programmes and YouTube, sometimes you need more than background noise to feel calm or, in cases like mine, safe. My phone allows me to have a physical distraction if I’m waiting for someone and they are late (I’m always early too due to my anxiety issues which doesn’t help in this case). I also always have it on me so I can keep in contact with my parents as I rely on that contact to keep me from driving myself sick.  Along with my phone, my Kindle allows me to talk to my friends who are available about how I’m feeling and it also provides other forms of distraction such as access to YouTube, games and music.

Breathing techniques – Again, this was something were taught in one of our group sessions. There are a few but the one that seems to be working for me when I’m coming down from having a panic attack is the one where you breathe in for a count of, say 8, and then out again for a little bit longer. It helps to steady my breathing and allows me to get enough oxygen if I have been hyperventilating.

Continuing on this list but as coping methods, these are some of the signs that I am getting more anxious than usual.

Bouncing my leg – I could be sitting down or on my bed and my knee will bounce up and down. I also have a habit of tapping the sides of my feet against each other or the soles of my feet.

Rocking – I’ve has a habit of doing this since I was a kid. According to my mum I used to rock back and forth in a corner if there was a thunder storm outside. This still happens but when I’m feeling like I can’t cope.

Thumb twiddling – I do this a lot when I’m watching TV. I’ve found that it happens if I’m watching a distressing scene or if I feel myself getting emotionally involved with a movie or programme. 

Nail biting – This is a habit that, fortunately, I have been able to kick. It used to be that during term time at Primary School, High School and even college I would be constantly biting my nails because I was constantly worrying about what my peers were going to do or say to me.

A lot of the techniques described above for distraction only help me in the short term or when I’m coming down from a particularly bad episode and have no energy to even move. Oftentimes I have to get to a point where I’m relaxed enough to even think about doing them mindfully – something I will touch on at a later date. To further relax myself I will take a hot shower with some of the products I listed last week.

I think that is is for now; nothing else is coming to mind… Oh! Writing. I do a lot of writing too. Not because I want to have content for my blog or for my website but because it helps to take my mind off of whatever is causing me distress.

I’d best let you go for now, this post is long enough hahaha. See you tomorrow for another post!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Self-Care Response #13 ft Kerry

Self-Care Q&A

This week it’s the wonderful Kerry at Don’t Drop the Baby’s turn to write a response! Find out what she had to say below. You can find her on Twitter as well!

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

When I start to get snappy with my family, my chest starts to get tight, and intrusive thoughts start to appear again. This also happens when I'm extremely tired or have PMT!

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I am very much a loner, especially when I am feeling anxious or overwhelmed. I need to spend time by myself either listening to music or being mindful.

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

Yes definitely. I have a 3 year old daughter, my partner works shifts, and neither of us have any family nearby. My 'me time' is squeezed into a couple of hours every evening! Although my daughter has started nursery now so things will get easier.

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

I'm the same with noises outside! Sometimes if I'm extremely anxious and my partner is working nights, I get very jumpy at every little noise. I suppose social media can also affect my 'me time', as sometimes it can wind me up or make me even more anxious!

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

I used to when my daughter was younger, but not so much anymore as I hardly ever get it!

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

I do try to schedule in nights out with my friends as it gives me something to look forward to. Other than that I very much just go with the flow. I will always tell my partner if I need a break though and he will take my daughter out for a bit on the weekends.

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

Yes, I do high intensity cardio workouts every other morning (at home), yoga, follow a healthy diet and use my Headspace app to practice mindfulness.

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

I listen to my favourite music, write my blog and have a couple of glasses of wine. This usually leads to a really good cry and I always feel better the day after.

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

Not on a daily basis, but I usually just say "what will be will be"

                                                                                                                                                                              

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this?

I cannot recommend a regular exercise routine strongly enough, it has completely changed my life. I haven't used medication to control my anxiety for years, I do it all through exercise, diet and mindfulness.

~ Thanks again to Kerry for answering the questions! Again, you can find her at https://dontdropthebaby.co.uk/ and https://twitter.com/KerryMeeGee.

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.

You can find Anxiously, Me on:

This mental health and lifestyle blog,
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Avoiding Situations

Avoiding Situations

When you feel stressed and anxious, it is common to put things off and avoid going to certain places – particularly if you have had a bad experience/felt panicky or anxious there before. Later on, though, it becomes more difficult to revisit that place in case you then feel anxious there again and become overwhelmed.

An example of anxiety leading to avoidance is:
feeling physical symptoms of anxiety (for example; heart racing, feeling dizzy) in a busy shop which then leads to feeling ill/wobbly. You then feel like you need to leave that place so you abandon your shopping and get out into the fresh air as soon as possible. You then return, say a week, later but the same feelings start to stir so you leave before you get to the till again. After that, you don’t feel like going back as every time you have so far has made you feel really bad so you think of other ways to get your shopping. This may include getting someone else to do your shopping for you or even doing it online. You may even end up going to smaller shops with less choice that are more expensive just to avoid the one where you felt anxious. Soon you end up avoiding going shopping altogether as you end up associating shopping with feeling anxious.
This may also occur with public transport, making phone calls etc.

You may find yourself avoiding certain situations in case you end up feeling anxious/physical symptoms of anxiety. This is referred to as “fear of fear” as it means you are frightened of doing something in case it leads to you feeling physical symptoms of anxiety.

Not everyone feels this way. Many associate this feeling with having to “get a grip” of themselves. Sometimes, though, it is not that easy and you still find yourself feeling bad. 

It is important to remember that the more you avoid a situation, the worse you will feel. It is also important to gradually expose yourself back into said situations as the more often you do it, the less anxious you will feel.

*Note: Pieces about Mental Health Information are based off of what I have been taught and the "homework" books that were given are used as a guideline for these posts. Whilst I may have been taught these things by health care professionals, I am not one and information may change or be inaccurate. If you feel at risk by your thoughts and feelings or have concerns about you health; please seek help from loved ones and health care professionals. This information is not to be used to self-diagnose. If you know you have hypochondriac tendencies, are sensitive to subjects like bullying, depression and anxiety, and are easily triggered then information and experiences shared in this blog may cause distress. I have tried my best to provide trigger warnings and warnings about sensitive subjects but please read at your own discretion.

Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia.

Google’s Definition: extreme or irrational fear of open or public places.

Dictionary Definition: Noun, Psychiatry - an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

My agoraphobia started back when I was in high school. Back then I didn’t know it was agoraphobia or even anxiety that was causing it; I just knew that I couldn’t stand being in crowds or in big groups for very long and that this intense feeling made me want to run away and stay at home. As I said; I didn’t know that there was a name for this feeling and no one seemed to understand that when I felt this way I needed to leave whatever situation I was in and either come back when there was no one around (if it was a busy place) or be in an environment where I felt safe (at home with only my family) and that when I felt this way I couldn’t bear to be with anyone bar my parents. I would feel myself getting ill at even the thought of going out and would have what I would eventually discover to be panic attacks.


It made being with my group of friends quite difficult as in spite of being left out of many plans, I would find myself making excuses (too busy with homework, seeing my best friend who lived miles away etc) just in case they ever did invite me out. I thought that this was just because I had grown so accustomed to being left out and to being bullied whenever I left the house that I was putting a stop to getting hurt in the first place but it turns out that this panicky state I was getting into was due to anxiety. In a way, it did grow from my fears of being bullied and left out but sometimes I wonder if I was always just supposed to be this way because I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious.

From the age of 17 this feeling only grew stronger. It got to the point where at school I would only hang out with my friends at the bottom of the back staircase during break as no one went there and if they wanted to move away from that area, I was stay behind by myself as the thought of going out into crowded hallways where I would be shoved and going out onto the grounds where I was be used as target practice for ball-based sports and as a human bin for other kids’ home economics (cookery class) creations terrified me. I was being allowed out of my classes 5 minutes early (thanks to my P.E teacher when I entered 3rd year at 14 who also let me study in the library during her classes to avoid the bullies) in order to beat the crowds and get to classes safely and at home time I was allowed out 10 minutes early to be able to get far enough away from the school that I would nearly be home by the time the rest of the kids got out. By college I was only going out to go to classes, my work placement or to a kids’ club I was a leader at. I was barely getting by due to my anxiety and depression and the only thing that made me happy was that one night a week where I could focus on entertaining the children with my best friend at my side. After I left college (you can find out the story behind that here) I was unemployed for two years and only left the house to sign on at the job centre or go to interviews for jobs that I didn’t even want. Nothing was going right, I was a complete mess and it led to me being even more depressed and anxious.

I would love to be able to tell you that now I go out as often as I can and enjoy it but that would be a lie and if there’s one thing I am not; it is a liar. I still hardly go out. I used to be in a routine over the last year or so where I would go to a group session one day a week and go into town every Friday but even that has stopped as I am longer seen by the department where I was receiving said treatment and have been waiting since last December for a referral to another. Going out it still extremely scary to me and I’m still recovering from all the times my now ex-best friend would guilt trip me into going out. I didn’t want to go out because I felt so ill and she would keep going on about how I “barely did anything”. Eventually she would say she desperately needed something and I would pull on my shoes and coat because I can’t stand people to go without.

Anxiously,

Me


You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Super Blogger - Bunnie

Super Blogger Saturday

You might remember that she was my guest blogger on Thursday so, in keeping with one of my other posts this week and as a bit of a theme, this week’s Super Blogger is Bunnie. You can find all of her links at the end of this post.

How we met: I’m not sure who followed who first. I do recall that I replied to a #bloggerswanted request Tweet that she sent out back in August when she was looking for guest posters to write about their mental health and she emailed me straight away. You can read the piece that I wrote for her here.

Her personality: Bunnie is genuinely one of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure of speaking with via social media and email. She always replies with the warmest and friendliest of responses and is always up to lend a hand whether it’s with checking something works on my blog or simply by being there to talk to. Like with other super bloggers that I have/will be mentioning; she is extremely supportive and is an all-round amazing human being.

What she writes about: Like me, Bunnie writes about mental health and her blog also falls into the lifestyle category. Whilst her blog is still fairly new, so far she’s written about Accepting ChronicDepression and what’s in her Panic Bag.

All of her posts are personal to her – she basically bares her soul on her blog – and I think that makes it so much easier for her readers to connect with her and get a feel of who she is.

Her writing style: Bunnie pretty much writes in a conversational style – as though she were talking directly to you and not at you. It’s one of the things I like the most about her. The way she writes makes for easy reading and you instantly feel welcome on her blog.

Why you should follow her/read her blog: You should definitely check out Bunnie’s blog and her various social media if you enjoy reading any of her posts that I have listed above or if you like reading my blog as our overall concepts are very similar. If you’re interested in reading about how other people deal with their mental wellbeing then her blog is certainly one to check out.

Where you can find her: You can find Bunnie on Twitter as @happybunnieblog and you can read her blog here.

So; why not check her out? Be sure to say “hi” when you’re there or even give her a little follow!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
The blog
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Facebook
Instagram.

Self-Care Q&A Response #12 ft. Bunnie

Self-Care Q&A

My new friend, Bunnie, is the 3^rd contributor in this round! You can find her on Twitter and her blog. Discover what she had to say about self-care here:

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

I feel tired and run down. I can feel myself slipping/getting lower in mood. I don’t want to go out.

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I like to do it alone.

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

Sometimes. Yes, most of the time. I feel like I’m needed and if I go to take a day to myself to sleep and wind down the whole word goes into chaos. (My world and home life at least)

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

I have two animals, a cat and a hedgehog. As cats generally are, my boy is laid back and very easy to look after. However, my hedgehog is hard work. I adore her. I wouldn’t change her for the world, I never regret getting her but she is a lot of work. I also have a partner whom I live with. I am besotted but he relies on me quite heavily. We both struggle with mental health issues and I feel like I have to be around and stable/okay to make sure I can support him. He would probably hate to hear me say this. He doesn’t do anything to make me feel that way – it’s just how I feel even if it’s not true.

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

Not guilty as such. I don’t think that would be the right word. I know that the people around me know of my struggles and that it’s something I need to do (heck, everyone should do) but like you said before – I do feel that I need to rush.

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

I have a whole routine I have written up which one day I would love to follow. It includes proper bed and meal times and a “Mental Health Day” where my phone is off and everything but self-care is cancelled – I am unavailable to any-one else. Yet, at the minute it’s just me grabbing a bath in the evenings I can, to unwind.

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

 Not really in a set order but there are certain things I like to do on MH days

·         Eat healthier and three full meals

·         Plenty of water

·         Bath with candles and relaxing music

·         Yoga

·         Meditate

·         Brain training apps

·         Read

·         Drink camomile tea

·         Have a chat with someone on 7 Cups (kind of like counselling)

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

Carry out my MH day, sometimes I’ll bake, read, watch a film (especially “Inside Out” which reminds me it’s okay to feel the things I feel) but my favourite thing is, if I’m feeling up to it (and can get a lift). I visit my best friend. She has an 11 month old and they never fail to cheer me up. I know I can just be myself and sit and feel sorry for myself, have a nap or watch crap on YouTube. She’ll normally drag me out to the shops which is good because I get some sunlight and a little walk. If the weather’s nice we’ll have lunch outside too which is lovely. Plus her little one gives the BEST cuddles.

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

No, I really should have some affirmations. I suppose I try to remind myself that it’s okay to feel the things I’m feeling, that I’m human, I’m not alone and it’s not going to last forever. After writing this out I think I’m going to add that perhaps I’m feeling low as a reminder to take some time to myself.

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this? 

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE TIME TO YOURSELF. It’s necessary actually. It’s an order okay? DO IT. Take one day a week. Do something YOU love. Turn off your phone. Shut everything else out – this is time for you. Nothing else matters today.

~ Thanks again to Bunnie for answering the questions! Remember that you can find her at happybunnieblog.wixsite.com/happybunnie and https://twitter.com/happybunnieblog.

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.

You can find Anxiously, Me on:

This mental health and lifestyle blog,
Twitter: www.twitter.com/AnxiouslyMeBlog
Facebook: www.facebook.com/AnxiouslyMe
Instagram: www.instagram.com/AnxiouslyMeBlogger

Why I Started Blogging

I have a passion for writing and I’ve had several blogs over the last 12 or so years. Back then it wasn’t referred to as “blogging” – it was just posting about whatever came to mind on sites like MySpace. I stopped when I got to about the age of 15 as by then bullies at school where using it as a way to cyber bully me and I couldn’t face logging in to yet another torrent of abuse. There wasn’t a protocol for reporting it either as at that point cyberbullying wasn’t a term that was being used and there was no way of prosecuting anyone for it. There wasn’t even awareness that this was an actual thing that was happening. I made the mistake of making an ask.fm account in my final year of high school and the cyberbullying continued. As there was the option to be anonymous, I noticed that the influx of mean messages increased when I got to college and started doing the work experience part of the course. There was a distinct difference in tone between the people I went to school with and those that I was at college with/working with so I just thought it best to close down the account. If that was how everyone saw me - “batty”, “fat”, “ugly”, “miserable c***” (and a whole lot worse that I won’t repeat because I really don’t feel like reliving what made me suicidal or end up triggering anyone) for being depressed, anxious and openly writing fan fiction then I didn’t want to know. If they couldn’t say it to my face then why should I let them post it anonymously? I was depressed enough as it was without it encouraging a cyberbullying free-for-all.

I started blogging again when I left high school but only got into a routine in the last 3 months and these days I blog as a way to stop myself from bottling up how I feel. It acts as a release of sorts. When an article is finished, uploaded and published I feel this sense of relief that comes from physically releasing my thoughts out into the world and it helps me to forget about whatever I’ve been writing about for a while. The only downfall from this, though, is knowing that what I say is out there for everyone to see and it makes me extremely anxious waiting to see if anyone comments with something negative about it or criticises it without being constructive as I am so used to receiving comments from people over the years telling me that I’m “crazy”, that I should just “get over it” and to “get a life” because “no one cares”. This has played a huge part in my need to be anonymous; to stop the comments from getting to the point where they are attacking me personally for my looks or for who they think I am based off of going to school with me and not even knowing me.

My Writing History:

I have been writing fictional short stories based on my depression and anxiety for years now – at least since I was about 12 so that’s 13 years of writing – and decided around 7 years ago that I would start writing openly about my own life. I more or less only wrote my journal-style posts for myself for nearly 7 years until I decided to venture out into posting more informational pieces and wanted to see how it would do if I were to suddenly start promoting it on Twitter (and make said social media account for it). I also have a website that hosts fictional stories that I am currently in the process of relaunching and at some point will probably link to it from here – if I ever get over the fear of showing you all the fictional things that I have created.

The original version of the blog started as a bit of an online journal where I would write about what I had been up to, how I felt and whatever had been causing my distress that week and has now turned into a blog that has not only made myself feel not as alone but has made other people feel like someone else was in the same boat. The amount of connections I have made because of this blog has been phenomenal and I am completely taken aback by the response to it.

Being Overwhelmed:

When I feel overwhelmed I take to writing and it helps me to refocus and not concentrate on whatever has been bothering me. As of this year, though, blogging has been a tad overwhelming so I’ve been writing more and more which is both a blessing and a curse (hello, Blogtober). The blog has done better than I ever could have imagined in such a short amount of time and it’s been quite surprising to me to see just how well it has done as until this year no one cared about what I wrote or even how I felt. That in itself is just mind blowing.

A Change:

As a result of making the Twitter account for this blog, it has really boosted my confidence in writing. I would even go as far to say that this version of my blog has been a bit of life changer. It’s so weird to know that people actually like the real me and are willing to keep coming back week after week (or in Blogtober’s case; day after day) to get to know me better and to help us all to not feel as alone. I feel better about myself too and I’m so happy that a lot of you have messaged me over the last few months to say that you feel better too or that my posts have given you the confidence to seek help or to even be a bit more social on social media. I’m not a doctor or mental health care professional by any means but I have been through a lot of treatment over the years as well as just experiencing things like agoraphobia and severe anxiety & depression and I’m so glad that I am able to share with you all my experiences and what I’ve learned from being in treatment.

So: thank you from the bottom of my heart for either coming back time and time again or for even being a new reader. There are over 500 of you on Twitter who read my blog, who choose to message me whether it’s just to say “hi” or because you need a friend and whom are just some of the loveliest people ever. It amazes me how many times certain posts of mine get viewed, how many of you “like” my Instagram posts and how many of you RT things I Tweet over on Twitter. It’s not about the numbers, though. It’s about the loving and caring nature of it all. I’ve never felt such love before and it’s all down to you wonderful lot.

Thanks for sticking by me!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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My Experience with... Depression

My Experience with… Depression

As some of you are aware from previous posts of mine; I’ve had depression from a very young age. I showed signs of having it from when I about 10 but was only officially diagnosed with having it at 19 when I was no longer considered being of school age. I think I have mentioned before that my doctor didn’t want to formally diagnose me until I was out of school and I think that it’s because it is not really recommended to give anti-depressants to children/teenagers. Initially it was put down to “being a teenager”, “hormones” and “rebellion” – which I resented as I wasn’t intentionally being rebellious; I felt like I was drowning and bullying at school made me not want to go (it made me so anxious and down) so, if I could get out of going to school, I would. In my post about anxiety I wrote that I would call up the school myself and tell them that I wasn’t going back (if it was after lunch) or that I just wasn’t going in at all that day. Being depressed and anxious made me physically ill (on top of dealing with horrendous periods but I’ll skip that for now) so I often felt too sick to even get out of bed and didn’t want to go to school for fear of being sick in class and not being able to get to a toilet in time. I would constantly have breakdowns – particularly the night before homework was due in or tests – and I regularly battled between not sleeping most nights (Sunday nights – Thursday), getting an hour or so of sleep, waking up every 20-30 mins or even sleeping too much (Fri nights – Sunday daytime. I was so low, physically & mentally ill and tired, and no matter how many times I went to the doctors or told my teachers; no one seemed to want to help. The bullying made me suicidal, as I stated in my anxiety post. I didn’t want to go to school where I had to be with those people and I didn’t want to have my home life invaded by them either as by the time I was in my final year of Primary School, the bullies had literally brought their insults and taunts to my front door. It was a really miserable time.

I thought things would be different when I went to college but it wasn’t. I was still being bullied, this time by new people who I had no connection with, and I was having a really difficult time with coping. It was during college that I had such a massive breakdown that I was signed off sick for weeks at a time until I eventually had to leave about 2 months before the end of my course due to being so unwell, not being able to go to college and not wanting or having the energy to do my coursework. I felt like such a failure for having to leave and sometimes I still do when I’m reminded of it with each new school year and “back to school” post. However, I remind myself that I made the decision to leave because I couldn’t cope and that it wasn’t worth my mental health suffering any more than it already had.

Another thing that affected my depression was the lack of sunlight. Here in Scotland schools start in August and finish in June so a lot of our schooling done in the autumn & winter months but even our springs can be quite dark as well. At college, we started in September so it was already getting darker at night. I left my house at 6:50 in the morning when it was still dark and would return after 6pm, sometimes after 8, when it would be dark again. The only times I saw daylight were walking from the bus to my college and if I happened to look out of the window during lectures. I’d wake up, get ready, go to college, be in lectures from 9-4, get home for 6, have dinner, shower and go straight to bed. My time was either spent in theory classes, at the schools where I did my practical work or in bed crying. I wasn’t living. I merely existed. And I didn’t want to.

I spent the next two years on benefits because I couldn’t work due to my depression and anxiety but, as doctors wouldn’t diagnose me or give me treatment other than medication which I didn’t want to take, I had to sign on every two weeks. Going to the job centre every two weeks would drive anyone insane. It made me feel worse to be made to apply for jobs (otherwise you get sanctioned and your money gets stopped) that I knew either wouldn’t get or wouldn’t keep due to my illnesses. I felt pressured into getting a job every time I went in and was made to feel as though my efforts weren’t enough despite applying for more than 2 jobs a day and going to interviews. They could clearly see that I was in distress but, again, no one wanted to help. It was only after I got my first “proper” (translation: paid) job and lost it due to being ill that my adviser suggested that I apply to get ESA (Employment & Support Allowance). I didn’t even know that that was choice. It seems to be that to be considered a “valuable member of society” you have to get a job and you can’t have illnesses that make you unable to do so as it then automatically makes you a “scrounger”. I’m far from being a scrounger and I’m not lazy; I am mentally unable to cope with having a job due to crippling social anxiety and can’t keep one because most days I can’t even get out of bed due to my depression and severe anxiety. I felt bad even being on benefits but I had my share of bills to pay and no means of being able to live without it and now I feel bad about being on ESA. I didn’t choose to become ill. I didn’t choose to be unable to cope with what goes on in my head and what happens around/to me. It just happened.

I don’t know how to get over these feelings of depression and anxiety or to stop feeling guilty for being on benefits/not being able to work so I do what I feel I do best; I write. Before it was writing fictional pieces loosely based on what I was going through and now I write these blog posts. I still get nervous sharing them, though, as there are people who simply just don’t understand. That makes me scared. It makes me scared that, like when I shared my thoughts and feelings on the internet when I was of school age, that my comments section will be filled with vicious trolls who get a kick out of making people miserable because they know they are susceptible to being tormented by it. Unlike back then, today I can just delete any negative comments and there are ways of banning people so please keep that in mind.

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Self-Care Q&A Response #11 ft Jen

Self –Care Q &A/Tag

Hi there!

I decided to bring back the Self-Care Q&A for Blogtober! To kick-start this short round of responses, I asked the lovely Jen (http://www.beautylifemom.com & https://twitter.com/beautlifemom) if she would like to take part and she said “yes”! If you want to know more about her, you can find her on Twitter and over on her Blog.

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

I know I need self-care when I start feeling a certain way- overworked, tired, stressed, or just haven't gotten around to my typical routines in a while. 

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I usually like to do self-care alone, quiet time is so important to me.  

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

I make it a priority when I can, so not typically. But of course there are crazy weeks when you can't get to it when you want. 

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

I am a mom so naturally he occupies my time and mind, or work/life responsibilities. Also if there's something bothering me I can tend to focus on that and self-care can take a back seat. 

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

I used to since I feel like I need so much of it! But not really anymore-it keeps me sane. I try to balance it out by making sure I do what I need to do responsibility, making sure I do my part. But it's crucial for my mental health to be able to relax. Being overly stressed and neglecting myself is something I like to avoid when possible.

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

There seems to be a routine- like after my son goes to bed. I snatch it when I can get it though, and it's usually around my son's schedule! Weekends as well, but weekends can be busy depending. So kind of a mix! 

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

I keep a bullet journal that has a tracker so I know what I have or haven't been doing. Some are cosmetic- having my nails done around once a week, doing a face mask, etc. But I also make sure I take my vitamins regularly, write in a journal, eat relatively OK, blog etc. I don't know if anyone else is like this but budgeting and paying bills/saving calms me as well. 

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

A lot of times taking a nap or laying down makes a world of difference. Energy always makes me feel better. I vent by talking it out (even if to myself) or just let myself feel my feelings. I also try to be proactive by asking myself what I can do to change the root issue. Taking showers help too.  

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

I always tell myself that no matter what happens, life moves on and everything will be dealt with even if something can be annoying or taxing at the time. I remind myself that it's ok if I feel down, just don't stay there if I can help it. I also created a mantra this past summer, "move with yourself"- to allow for the changes I experience within myself and the world around me. Because turns out I evolve more than I realize, as does the world. No reason to fight it.               

                                                  

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this?

Invest in your hobbies and passions, no matter what they are. That could mean spending on it (not going broke of course) but also it means setting time aside for it. It will make you happier and people are happier when you are! Also, learn to say no to things if it's not necessary (which you have to decide if it is or not). Make happiness a priority when you can! 

~ Over this next month I’ll be bringing you 3 more posts packed with answers so stay tuned!

Again, you can find Jen at http://www.beautylifemom.com/ and www.twitter.com/beautlifemmom.

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.

You can find Anxiously, Me on:

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Social Media Cleanses

Social Media Cleanses

Periodically I like to do social media cleanses. I find them to be a quick, easy mental reset when I’m getting weighed down by what I see on social media. With my illnesses and who I am; it’s so easy for me to “catch” how other people are feeling – mostly when they are feeling low – and it brings me down even more so here are some of my tips for doing a social media cleanse.

1. Unfollow/unfriend. If there are people on your social media platforms that you have no connection with now or who are just toxic; unfriend/unfollow them. You won’t miss them because you haven’t spoken in so long and, to be honest, they won’t even notice.

2. Mute/unfollow (Facebook) them. If you have people that you just can’t unfriend/unfollow because they’re family, friends or the type who will make you feel bad for unfollowing them (Twitter)/unfriending them then simply put their account on mute or use the unfollow feature on Facebook. You won’t see their posts and they won’t be any the wiser.

3. Go offline for a while. I usually go offline for a day to test the waters (and by that I mean; see how I feel). If what I see annoys me/makes me want to fire back a response then I stay offline. Nothing good ever comes from responding to anything when you’re wound up. Avoid using your phone/laptop at all – if you can – to remove all temptation of looking at the likes of Facebook, Twitter etc.

That’s it, really. I go through those 3 stages whenever everything online gets to be too much for me. I avoid all social media sites, I don’t Tweet anything bar my usual promotional Tweets and ways of contacting me in an emergency or if it’s urgent.

Apologies for such a short post today. Aside from that really being all there is to doing a social media cleanse I just figured that, what with there being so many posts to look forward to, I didn’t want to bore you all with having loads of lengthy ones.

Is there anything you think I’ve missed out? Feel free to let me know in the comments below!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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