The Key to Keeping Resolutions

To a lot of people the term “New Year’s Resolutions” sounds rather daunting and final.  “I will lose weight”, “I will quit smoking” sound pretty definite and when they don’t achieve it or fall off the wagon by the second week in January they get rather disheartened and quit.

To combat this, I stopped making “resolutions” about 8 years ago and switched them out for goals. I don’t even make these goals at the start of the year anymore unless I have been contemplating doing something for so long and have decided there and then to make a change. Instead of “I will…” I now say “I will try.” I will try means that you are giving yourself a chance to actually try to actively change something rather than “I must do x/I must do y” and then feeling bad when you don’t stick to it. It means you are allowing yourself the chance to continue should you, say, break from the new lifestyle change you are implementing (I loathe the term “diet” as it only sounds temporary). It also means you are aware that there will be days when things will be more difficult than others and are therefore allowing yourself to be OK with the fact that it’s not going to be plain sailing; that you will try again whether it’s in the next hour, day or when you have recovered.
I firmly believe that one of the only ways to achieve your goals is to change your mentality and not be so hard on yourself when, if your eyes, you’ve failed. Another is to keep trying. The more often you do something, the more likely you are to stick to it. You also have to want to do it. A sure-fire way of resenting what you do and not accomplishing it is doing it purely for other people. If you don’t want it then your heart will not be in it and you will never really be happy with anything you do.

Last year, instead of resolving to lose weight, I thought “it would be really nice if I lost one stone (14lbs) by the end of the year” and then put in effort to do so by changing what and when I ate, making sure I was within the recommended guidelines for calorie intake, sugar intake etc. If I had said “I will lose weight” it would’ve seemed an impossible task as I had vowed to do so before and it had never worked therefore I would quit by week two or by the end of the month. By trying and not being so hard on myself (allowing myself to be fine with knowing that it’s OK to “fail” or have days/periods of time where I was more lenient), not only did I lose one stone (14lbs), I – at the time of writing this – have lose a total of 4 stone 10lbs (66lbs) with only 4lbs to go until I have lost a total of 5 stone (70lbs) and I am now two dress sizes smaller in both my top and bottom halves.
I said I would try to maintain a blog (win) and to relaunch my other passion project (double win). I wanted to do a lot more writing last year  - 25 stories to be exact - and by setting aside some time each day/each week I accomplished that plus more.

This year my goals are to:

Continue to try to lose weight as well as tone up. I needed to do this for my own wellbeing/health but I also wanted to. I did it for me and not because other people told me to. I’ve always been big but I’ve also always been content with who I am as a person and have never seen why I should do what other people say just so that they’ll like me or so that I’ll be included in what they do. Why would I want to be friends with people who couldn’t see past my weight or who wouldn’t take me for who I am?

I want to be more open on my blog’s Twitter account with other projects that I do and what I lend my name to. I have a website that I think a lot of you will enjoy or will support me on and whilst I do promote it on Twitter, I don’t ever say “this is actually mine” as it has links to personal details of mine (my YouTube channel, my nickname etc) that I want to keep separate from the blog.

I want to read more books. I used to read 10+ books a week (not to brag but this was also when I had a social life and a full time job) and now I’m lucky if I read one a month. I’m aiming to finish my second of the year either this weekend (at the time of writing this it is Friday 26^th January) or early next week (the week you’ll see this post) and to start a new one.

I want to write more. I have a goal of 25 stories to write by December. This is a goal I have been keeping annually over the last 4 or so years as part of my other project/website. It started out with just writing enough for ten days and I’ve now built it up to span over 25 days from December 1st up to and including Christmas Day.

I really want to keep questioning why I feel the way I do when I have a bad day and to not let others make me feel bad.

Finally, I want to keep saving up for when I eventually move out and keep buying in smaller items so that when I do, I just need to think about the bigger items like furniture and carpeting.

What are your goals for this year/in the long term?

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Self-Care Q&A Response #11 ft Jen

Self –Care Q &A/Tag

Hi there!

I decided to bring back the Self-Care Q&A for Blogtober! To kick-start this short round of responses, I asked the lovely Jen (http://www.beautylifemom.com & https://twitter.com/beautlifemom) if she would like to take part and she said “yes”! If you want to know more about her, you can find her on Twitter and over on her Blog.

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

I know I need self-care when I start feeling a certain way- overworked, tired, stressed, or just haven't gotten around to my typical routines in a while. 

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I usually like to do self-care alone, quiet time is so important to me.  

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

I make it a priority when I can, so not typically. But of course there are crazy weeks when you can't get to it when you want. 

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

I am a mom so naturally he occupies my time and mind, or work/life responsibilities. Also if there's something bothering me I can tend to focus on that and self-care can take a back seat. 

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

I used to since I feel like I need so much of it! But not really anymore-it keeps me sane. I try to balance it out by making sure I do what I need to do responsibility, making sure I do my part. But it's crucial for my mental health to be able to relax. Being overly stressed and neglecting myself is something I like to avoid when possible.

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

There seems to be a routine- like after my son goes to bed. I snatch it when I can get it though, and it's usually around my son's schedule! Weekends as well, but weekends can be busy depending. So kind of a mix! 

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

I keep a bullet journal that has a tracker so I know what I have or haven't been doing. Some are cosmetic- having my nails done around once a week, doing a face mask, etc. But I also make sure I take my vitamins regularly, write in a journal, eat relatively OK, blog etc. I don't know if anyone else is like this but budgeting and paying bills/saving calms me as well. 

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

A lot of times taking a nap or laying down makes a world of difference. Energy always makes me feel better. I vent by talking it out (even if to myself) or just let myself feel my feelings. I also try to be proactive by asking myself what I can do to change the root issue. Taking showers help too.  

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

I always tell myself that no matter what happens, life moves on and everything will be dealt with even if something can be annoying or taxing at the time. I remind myself that it's ok if I feel down, just don't stay there if I can help it. I also created a mantra this past summer, "move with yourself"- to allow for the changes I experience within myself and the world around me. Because turns out I evolve more than I realize, as does the world. No reason to fight it.               

                                                  

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this?

Invest in your hobbies and passions, no matter what they are. That could mean spending on it (not going broke of course) but also it means setting time aside for it. It will make you happier and people are happier when you are! Also, learn to say no to things if it's not necessary (which you have to decide if it is or not). Make happiness a priority when you can! 

~ Over this next month I’ll be bringing you 3 more posts packed with answers so stay tuned!

Again, you can find Jen at http://www.beautylifemom.com/ and www.twitter.com/beautlifemmom.

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.

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The Circle of Avoidance

The Circle of Avoidance

When we avoid things, whilst it may help you to feel less anxious in the short term, in the long term it can worsen your problems. This is when the circle of avoidance may occur. The issue with avoidance is that it’s teaching you that the only way to deal with a bad situation is to avoid it which is really unhelpful. Avoiding things also lessens your chance of finding out that your fear worst, more often than not, do not occur. This in turn worsens your anxiety and leaves you feel low in confidence & self-esteem.

Anxiety à Avoiding anxiety-inducing situations àRestricted living and low confidence & self-esteem à makes you feel worse à Anxiety, and the circle continues.

*Note: Pieces about Mental Health Information are based off of what I have been taught and the "homework" books that were given are used as a guideline for these posts. Whilst I may have been taught these things by health care professionals, I am not one and information may change or be inaccurate. If you feel at risk by your thoughts and feelings or have concerns about you health; please seek help from loved ones and health care professionals. This information is not to be used to self-diagnose. If you know you have hypochondriac tendencies, are sensitive to subjects like bullying, depression and anxiety, and are easily triggered then information and experiences shared in this blog may cause distress. I have tried my best to provide trigger warnings and warnings about sensitive subjects but please read at your own discretion.

 

Social Media Cleanses

Social Media Cleanses

Periodically I like to do social media cleanses. I find them to be a quick, easy mental reset when I’m getting weighed down by what I see on social media. With my illnesses and who I am; it’s so easy for me to “catch” how other people are feeling – mostly when they are feeling low – and it brings me down even more so here are some of my tips for doing a social media cleanse.

1. Unfollow/unfriend. If there are people on your social media platforms that you have no connection with now or who are just toxic; unfriend/unfollow them. You won’t miss them because you haven’t spoken in so long and, to be honest, they won’t even notice.

2. Mute/unfollow (Facebook) them. If you have people that you just can’t unfriend/unfollow because they’re family, friends or the type who will make you feel bad for unfollowing them (Twitter)/unfriending them then simply put their account on mute or use the unfollow feature on Facebook. You won’t see their posts and they won’t be any the wiser.

3. Go offline for a while. I usually go offline for a day to test the waters (and by that I mean; see how I feel). If what I see annoys me/makes me want to fire back a response then I stay offline. Nothing good ever comes from responding to anything when you’re wound up. Avoid using your phone/laptop at all – if you can – to remove all temptation of looking at the likes of Facebook, Twitter etc.

That’s it, really. I go through those 3 stages whenever everything online gets to be too much for me. I avoid all social media sites, I don’t Tweet anything bar my usual promotional Tweets and ways of contacting me in an emergency or if it’s urgent.

Apologies for such a short post today. Aside from that really being all there is to doing a social media cleanse I just figured that, what with there being so many posts to look forward to, I didn’t want to bore you all with having loads of lengthy ones.

Is there anything you think I’ve missed out? Feel free to let me know in the comments below!

Anxiously,
Me

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My Experience with... Bullying

My Experience with Bullying

*Sensitive issues warning/trigger warning*

Bullying is something that I have experienced from a very young age. Back when I was in Primary School, up until the age of 10, it didn’t bother me to the extent that it eventually would.  I was so used to being called names, of being made fun of and only having one friend at a time that it became the norm. That, as far as I was aware, was how all people were; unkind and intent on causing me as much emotional and physical harm as humanly possible. These days it’s hard not to still feel that way as from the age of 5 to 18, it was all I knew and it really stuck in my brain that this was how people like me were/are supposed to be treated. In fact, I’m so used to being treated this way that anytime someone says something positive about me or is even the tiniest bit kind towards me, the alarm bells start ringing in my head as, when childhood bullies were nice to me, it was because they were trying to pull some sort of prank on me or were trying to get me to believe that they had changed so I would let down my defenses so that they could hurt me all over again.

When I was about 10, something inside me changed and every single thing that happened to me seemed to cut deeper than it had before. The comments about me would ring out over and over again in my mind until I got so angry that I started taking it out on my parents when they would ask me a question or try to talk to me.  I wasn’t just being teased about being fat anymore; I was being subjected to bullies coming up to my front door and yelling their insults through it. They were no longer just aimed towards me; they would pick apart the way my parents looked, things that they did etc. They literally brought the bullying to my door, as if going through it at school and on the way home (thankfully I lived - and still do – just across the road from my old Primary School) wasn’t quite enough. It certainly wasn’t enough for them either to yell obscene things at my parents as they walked our dog or to tell my dad that at 10 I was “shagging” people (I wasn’t and that remark has stuck with me and effects my relationships  - or lack thereof). I became afraid to go outside and to even try to connect with my peers as nothing good ever came out of it. This has led me to being diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I suffer from agoraphobia and even the thought of going downstairs or going outside makes me so upset to the point where I will go only go downstairs to get something to eat if no one else is home.
During this period in my life, as I walked to friend’s house with her one day after school, some girls that I didn’t even go to school with but who still had it against me for looking the way that I did, threw broken glass at us. It was traumatising to say the least and further cemented why I shouldn’t go outside.
I got called things like “sumo wrestler” because of how awful I looked in an old bridesmaids dress of my mum’s that I wore one Halloween. People in my class would tell their younger siblings (I helped out in their playground to avoid my own) to avoid me because they couldn’t stand them liking me more than them. I was nice to their siblings when they weren’t and even that pissed them off to have someone who was willing to make sure said children were OK if they were having a tough time of things.
When I got to be a bit older, at around 11, I begged my parents to stop making me go to before and after school clubs and to also let me start going home for lunch just so that I could eat in peace without people taking my food away because I didn’t “need to get any fatter”. I wasn’t eating anything different to the kids at school. In fact; my lunches were healthier than most of theirs but apparently I wasn’t deserving of any kind of food whatsoever because I was fat. Is it any wonder, when kids are that cruel that their victims and those that witness their behaviour end up with eating disorders? That’s something else I will cover at a later date.

High school wasn’t any better. As I was constantly shamed if I ate lunch in front of people in Primary School, I took to going home at lunch as it was only a 15 minute walk away. This did leave me only 15 minutes to eat and another 15 to get back to school but I didn’t care. I was free for a whole 15 minutes. It didn’t mean I escaped the cruel taunts going to and from school during lunch, though. People would throw bits of their food at me as if I were a wild animal and one girl even went as far to jog beside me yelling “knees up fatty! You need to lose weight!” as I walked home. Needless to say, I refused to go back that day and protested going back to school for the rest of that week.
This is when I started to skip school more frequently and would just flat out call up the school myself and tell them that I either wasn’t going back after lunch or that I wasn’t going in at all. I honestly didn’t see the point in going if I had to be let out of classes anyway because people kept putting gum in my hair and was constantly being made fun of because I liked to learn and wanted to. I really did want to go to school because I wanted to get an education – hence why I didn’t leave as soon as I turned 16 but opted to stay until the end of 6^th year- but it was really hard to get the motivation to do so as my time there was always filled with bullies making it known that I wasn’t welcome and feeling so bad to the point where I seriously questioned my existence. I only became worried about not going to school when there became talk that if kids skipped school then their parents would be fined or even jailed if they didn’t send their kids in. I still didn’t want to be there but it wasn’t my parents’ fault that I wasn’t going; it was down to me not wanting to spend yet another day in hell. I didn’t know it at the time but I was suffering from severe anxiety (something I wouldn’t discover until I was 23) and (formally) undiagnosed depression.
It was then that I also became suicidal. I didn’t go down the self-harm root of cutting myself but if I had a spot or a scab, as gross at it is, I would keep picking at it until it bled or hurt. I would also think about dying a lot (still do but in a different, more anxiety-filled way), specifically my want to die, but I wasn’t suicidal in the “I’m going to kill myself” way that the world has become accustomed to. It made me careless. I started to not pay attention when crossing the road. I didn’t care if I got hit by a car because it physically would’ve hurt less than the internal pain I was feeling. I didn’t care if I were to suddenly get really ill to the point of hospitalisation because it meant that I wouldn’t have to go to school. I didn’t care about how I looked as, even if I tried, I would still get taunted for being “ugly” or “too fat to wear human clothing” and I didn’t care if something bad were to happen to me.
If I questioned why they treated me that way or had the audacity to let it be known that it bothered me and that it made me want to hurt them (something I never did or would’ve acted upon) then I would be subjugated to rumours going around about how I was “weird” and wanted “to kill” them. Rumours were another form of bullying that I had to put up with. I was off school for 3 weeks once due to multiple infections in my throat, chest, sinuses etc and when I came back I was met with “Oh. So you don’t have cancer.” Turns out people were thrilled to learned of this new rumour and were even more so of the fact that, if it were true, then I was probably going to die. Unfortunately for them I wasn’t sick and that somehow made them hate me even more.

My biggest downfall – and it’s not my weight, how I look or my passion for learning – is that throughout it all I was still kind and forgiving towards every single one of them. I would still offer them a smile in the hopes that they would see that I wasn’t as bad as they made me out to be (not that any of them really knew me) and I would let them play with the toys that I brought for “Golden Time” to the point where they were really just taking advantage of me. One Christmas I even gave a candy cane to a girl who had not only made my life hell but had made me want to kill myself as a bid to get her to stop. Did it work? Did it fuck. She was nice to me for all of 24 hours after one of the deputy heads called both of us into his office so that he could try to shock her into leaving me alone by telling her (and what he told her was absolutely true) that my parents were worried that I was going to kill myself. The only time I ever fought back against a bully was when one of them and her cronies cornered me at the bottom of a secluded staircase. My fight or flight instincts kicked in and this time it told me to fight. I did try to walk away but she kicked my back really hard. I lost it. I didn’t know who it was that had kicked me but I was going to make sure that it never happened again. My eyes locked on one who had dared to keep insulting me and I grabbed her by the collar, hoisting her upwards. I didn’t have to do much else other tell her to stay away as the rest of them backed off me and promised to never even look my way again. Maybe I could’ve handled it better but maybe they should never have decided to bully people in the first place. I didn’t see much of them after; they chose to avoid me and I was grateful for it. If they saw someone else trying to bully me they would pull them aside and warn them to stay away from me. I’m not proud that it got to the point where I had to take that kind of action but when you’ve got an endless tag-team of people bullying you and no teacher willing to take them on you get desperate. Desperate enough to fight back and desperate enough to call in sick day after day.

This is still something that is really hard for me to talk about. Writing this recount has made me cry and reminded me that even though I am aiming for recovery, everything that has ever been said to me or has happened to me has stuck with me and made me the anxious, depressed mess that I am. It’s made me so anxious that I am scared to post pieces like this for fear that those who read it will call me names, won’t believe me or worse; try to call me out on something that I’ve said when, really, I know that I should be as I can just remove their comments and block them.

If you ever want to talk to me about what you’re going through/have gone through with bullies, feel free to message me. My Twitter DMs are always open.

Anxiously,
Me

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Introduction to Blogtober

Intro to Blogtober

Welcome to Blogtober! For those who don’t know, “Blogtober” is when bloggers aim to post every day of October. I’m not sure who originated it (if you do then let me know below in the comments) but I thought it was a great idea. I was originally only toying with the idea of doing it as I was worried that it may have been too much to take on, both anxiety-wise and the fact that that means finding enough content for 31 posts but, with a lot of planning involved and getting a head start in August, I feel pretty confident that I’ll have a new post up for you every day from 11am onwards.
Sundays are going to be dedicated to doing a catch-up of everything you may have missed during the week post-wise. As today is Sunday (which is not my usual post day), and it also marks the start of Blogtober, I thought I would give you a) an update/review of everything that has happened blogging-wise since I made a fresh start on Blogger back in April and b) a run-through of what to expect over the next month.

According to an email I received from Tumblr recently; this year is the 7 year anniversary of when I made the “Anxiously Me” Tumblr account. I didn’t really start posting anything to it until about 4 years ago (I decided not to move them over to here), left it for about 2 years, posted a couple of posts that you can see under the “Mental Health Information” section (oh, and blogs 1-3!) and then made the move over to Blogger on 27^th of April this year. As there really wasn’t much documented on Tumblr over the years and I didn’t use it as a blog (plus no one took it seriously because, well, it was on Tumblr), I looked at this move as being the start of my blogging hobby. At the end of April, again I didn’t really post much other than what I moved over from Tumblr (9 or so posts in total and a couple of updates). Between May and the end of June I posted a couple of new pieces  and I changed my posting schedule to bi-weekly but it was only on the 27^th of June that I started to take it “seriously”. By then I had nearly 500 views over the course of the 3 months and decided to set a goal of 1,000 views by the 27^th July to mark 3 months since the revamping of “Anxiously Me”. I was completely blown away when I logged in on the 4^th July to find that, through the help of my readers, I hit my target early by 23 days. I then decided upon reaching a goal of 2,000 for the end of August and, again, was shocked when I reached that on the 17^th July. As of 25^th September the view count was over 8k. Numbers aren’t everything, though, and they don’t matter to me in a selfish sense (I’m not doing this for popularity or for benefits like freebies etc), it’s just a way of tracking how far I’ve come. Plus it’s so nice to know that people actually read what I have to say and that they want to keep coming back to see the next instalment. There have been times when I’ve had to log out completely as I’ve been so overwhelmed by the responses I’ve had from readers saying that it’s helped them to not feel so alone and that my words have brought a smile to their face that I’ve had a little cry.

Now for the schedule! As I will be posting every single day of October, I have decided that each day will have a theme. That means that you will see the same types of posts on Mondays, a different type on Tuesdays, Wednesday etc. The end of the month will be a bit different though as the last 2 days are on a Monday and Tuesday - after another weekly recap on the Sunday - and therefore would be the start of a new week so it would be a bit weird leaving Blogtober on the kinds of posts I'm putting up on Mondays and Tuesday but I will work out something to post on those days anyway!

With that said, I hope you’ll stick around for the next 30 days – I have so many new posts that I’m so proud of that I can’t wait to share with you. If all goes well I may even consider doing “Blogmas”!

Anxiously,
Me

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