Monday, 5 March 2018

Back to Basics

Instead of having a guest blogger answer my "Self-Care Q&A", posting an award-type post (I will get round to doing them) or writing up some mental health information that I've found helpful I have decided to go back to basics and do what I did when I first started this blog; just write whatever has been on my mind.
Since before Christmas everything has revolved around being tired (physically and mentally as well as figuratively) and feeling inadequate so I thought I would get it all out into the open in the hope that I might start to feel better once it's all been released.

Without further ado, here is: A Slight Stream of Consciousness: “Tired”.

*May be triggering to some*

For the last couple of months I have been completely floored by my anxiety and depression which has left me unmotivated to do anything. I was about to tell you that I have no idea why everything had suddenly felt ten times worse but as I was writing that very statement I realised that I do know where it came from this time.  I’m used to living with anxiety and depression on a daily basis – my earliest memory of having anxiety is from when I was 8 (but I know I felt it long before that) and depression from as young as 9 – but sometimes it hits me harder for periods of time. This is what normal has been for me for (at least) the last eighteen years and right now I am both mentally and physically tired of it.
I’m tired of every day being a struggle, of being alone and feeling lonely, of never having a break. I’m mentally tired of not being able to sleep (and tired from little to no restful sleep), of having such horrible anxiety nightmares and of feeling like if I close my eyes then I will die or that someone I know will.
I’m tired of always being on the lookout because years of relentless bullying taught me that in order to get through the day without falling victim to cruel pranks (confuse don’t abuse, people) or being a target I always had to be one step ahead of them both figuratively and physically.
I’m tired of being unable to leave my home because said bullies would literally bring their taunts to the door and now it haunts my every thought.
I’m tired of jumping every time the phone rings because all throughout primary school and high school we were subjected to prank phone calls and abuse being yelled down the phone.
I’m tired of not feeling safe in my own home because we’ve been targeted in the past by vandals and people who think it’s funny to ruin your private property by jumping over your back fence and using our outdoor furniture as a way to boost themselves over the next.
I’m tired of having to keep my mouth shut because it’s better to be quiet than to express an opinion because you’re “always wrong” and that your “opinion doesn’t matter”.
I’m tired of not being able to be myself and not feeling like I can tell you who I am without people that I used to know leaving anonymous hate comments because that’s all I ever received growing up.

I know a lot of you will be thinking “this happened in the past, you should be over it by now” or “high was years ago; you don’t live there anymore” but I guarantee that if you are thinking these thoughts then you’ve never experienced the type of trauma and mental abuse that I was subjected to.
Do you know how hard it is to overcome all of that? To not feel inadequate, like nothing you say or do is good enough or to feel like your life is meaningless every second of every day? It’s exhausting to feel every little thing so intensely because I’m one of these people who actually gives a fuck about creating good impressions and will spend all day worrying about whether or not you actually liked the tea I made and going over every little detail of the day over and over again in my head, over-analysing things to the point where I don’t know if I even said or did whatever it is I’m worrying about. That type of trauma and abuse has you second guessing everything and you never feel confident in just being because you’ve always been told by your peers (and some adults) that who you are just isn’t good enough or that what you think isn’t valid. You believe that all the negative things they tell you about yourself are true because that’s all you’ve ever heard.
It doesn’t matter if you grow up to be a success because you never truly feel like you are. You always believe that anything good that happens to you must be someone pranking you because the only times people have been nice to you it was all just so that they could get a laugh out of it.

There are things that happen currently that make me feel like this too. A lot of them are now centred round blogging and the maintenance of my website but they are all still people-made problems:

  • Messages being left on read and unanswered despite the conversation not being finished. I’m not talking about waiting a while to figure out a response, I’m talking about reading the message, being disinterested and conveniently “forgetting” to reply until I message weeks/months later daring to check in on you.
  • One word answers.
  • No further conversation being had on a blog post or comment board even though you took the time to carefully word a reply back.
  • Only being good enough to talk to when the person has no one else.
  • Being used to gain followers, subscribers or even just visitors when you host a guest post but never actually being asked to do one.
  • Being made to feel inadequate or like you did something wrong when something great happens to a really terrible or undeserving person.
  • Very little to no support.
  • Making so much of an effort to be supportive and not even receiving a “thank you”.
  • Only getting a comment/follow/reply if you are the one who makes the first contact.
  • People playing the “follow/unfollow” game.
  • Not receiving any kind of interaction on something you worked really hard on/are really proud of.
  • Not being check in on or given the same respect that I give others.

Any of what I have mentioned above is enough to make anyone give up so think of how someone like me must feel when they are dealing with all of the above (either the past or current section, or both in my case). It not only effected my past and affects my present; it also has an impact on my future. How you treat others matters. I don’t feel like I’m entitled to replies or for people to check in but it would be nice, and let’s be honest; a lot of it is just common curtesy.
No one seems to care. I want to be able to go to any one of my friends or followers and say “I’m having a tough time. Can we talk?” without mind games being played or seeing my message be left on read because you “can’t be bothered” talking to me because my tweets are rarely positive or because you feel like I’m not worth talking to because, yes; I am depressed and you might catch it. Depression isn't contagious. I see it all. I feel it all. I want it to stop. I’m trying so hard to get into a more positive head space and it’s just so mentally exhausting to go to therapy, go to group sessions and to just try to speak to someone as it is without feeling like this community of friends that I’m trying to build really just have no consideration for how I’m feeling. I made my blog and my other website to help others not feel lonely or alone by creating a place where anyone can talk to me, where at least one person understands or is there for them but the same kind of consideration is never given.

On my other site I can mention that I was really ill but no one will care; they just want the next update. Last year I was so ill with anxiety over getting updates out to them that I thought I was having a stroke because the left side of my face felt numb/tingly/like it wasn’t moving yet no one cared. They just wanted more from me. All I do is give and all others do is take. How is that fair? I work myself down to the bone to make others feel included, to feel like someone is there for them yet when I need them I get nothing. No “I saw you were struggling”, “how can I help” or even a “hello”. Even when I reach out to them I get a wall of silence. What have I done that is so bad that you can’t even be bothered to say “hi”? Don’t even get me started on the disaster of actually asking people for guest posts last year for Christmas/Winter and only having ONE person send anything even though all 10-15 that I asked promised they would send something in and promised that they were “writing as we speak”. I couldn’t even use that person’s post because they ended up plagiarising at least one of my tweets and I didn’t feel right rewarding that kind of behaviour (as in the “giving someone something despite them doing me wrong” sense not in the “I feel like my blog is better than theirs/being a guest blogger on my blog is that big of an honour” sense. Come to think of it, since I told them that I didn’t feel right posting it it’s felt like there has been some kind of vendetta against me with them and their friends blocking me despite me having not done anything wrong and never having spoken to their friends…

I digress.

I like doing these “what’s been on my mind”/stream of consciousness/almost diary-like posts. I may do one about the “vendetta” mentioned above or even how that came about some time. It would simply read like a story time blog or even vlog would do and no names would be mentioned either because whilst I believe in writing the facts and documenting the truth, I don’t agree with giving people that kind of attention by mentioning their names. At the end of the day names don’t matter; actions do.  

Anxiously and oh-so-very tired,

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
This blog

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