Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia.

Google’s Definition: extreme or irrational fear of open or public places.

Dictionary Definition: Noun, Psychiatry - an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

My agoraphobia started back when I was in high school. Back then I didn’t know it was agoraphobia or even anxiety that was causing it; I just knew that I couldn’t stand being in crowds or in big groups for very long and that this intense feeling made me want to run away and stay at home. As I said; I didn’t know that there was a name for this feeling and no one seemed to understand that when I felt this way I needed to leave whatever situation I was in and either come back when there was no one around (if it was a busy place) or be in an environment where I felt safe (at home with only my family) and that when I felt this way I couldn’t bear to be with anyone bar my parents. I would feel myself getting ill at even the thought of going out and would have what I would eventually discover to be panic attacks.


It made being with my group of friends quite difficult as in spite of being left out of many plans, I would find myself making excuses (too busy with homework, seeing my best friend who lived miles away etc) just in case they ever did invite me out. I thought that this was just because I had grown so accustomed to being left out and to being bullied whenever I left the house that I was putting a stop to getting hurt in the first place but it turns out that this panicky state I was getting into was due to anxiety. In a way, it did grow from my fears of being bullied and left out but sometimes I wonder if I was always just supposed to be this way because I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious.

From the age of 17 this feeling only grew stronger. It got to the point where at school I would only hang out with my friends at the bottom of the back staircase during break as no one went there and if they wanted to move away from that area, I was stay behind by myself as the thought of going out into crowded hallways where I would be shoved and going out onto the grounds where I was be used as target practice for ball-based sports and as a human bin for other kids’ home economics (cookery class) creations terrified me. I was being allowed out of my classes 5 minutes early (thanks to my P.E teacher when I entered 3rd year at 14 who also let me study in the library during her classes to avoid the bullies) in order to beat the crowds and get to classes safely and at home time I was allowed out 10 minutes early to be able to get far enough away from the school that I would nearly be home by the time the rest of the kids got out. By college I was only going out to go to classes, my work placement or to a kids’ club I was a leader at. I was barely getting by due to my anxiety and depression and the only thing that made me happy was that one night a week where I could focus on entertaining the children with my best friend at my side. After I left college (you can find out the story behind that here) I was unemployed for two years and only left the house to sign on at the job centre or go to interviews for jobs that I didn’t even want. Nothing was going right, I was a complete mess and it led to me being even more depressed and anxious.

I would love to be able to tell you that now I go out as often as I can and enjoy it but that would be a lie and if there’s one thing I am not; it is a liar. I still hardly go out. I used to be in a routine over the last year or so where I would go to a group session one day a week and go into town every Friday but even that has stopped as I am longer seen by the department where I was receiving said treatment and have been waiting since last December for a referral to another. Going out it still extremely scary to me and I’m still recovering from all the times my now ex-best friend would guilt trip me into going out. I didn’t want to go out because I felt so ill and she would keep going on about how I “barely did anything”. Eventually she would say she desperately needed something and I would pull on my shoes and coat because I can’t stand people to go without.

Anxiously,

Me


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Why I Started Blogging

I have a passion for writing and I’ve had several blogs over the last 12 or so years. Back then it wasn’t referred to as “blogging” – it was just posting about whatever came to mind on sites like MySpace. I stopped when I got to about the age of 15 as by then bullies at school where using it as a way to cyber bully me and I couldn’t face logging in to yet another torrent of abuse. There wasn’t a protocol for reporting it either as at that point cyberbullying wasn’t a term that was being used and there was no way of prosecuting anyone for it. There wasn’t even awareness that this was an actual thing that was happening. I made the mistake of making an ask.fm account in my final year of high school and the cyberbullying continued. As there was the option to be anonymous, I noticed that the influx of mean messages increased when I got to college and started doing the work experience part of the course. There was a distinct difference in tone between the people I went to school with and those that I was at college with/working with so I just thought it best to close down the account. If that was how everyone saw me - “batty”, “fat”, “ugly”, “miserable c***” (and a whole lot worse that I won’t repeat because I really don’t feel like reliving what made me suicidal or end up triggering anyone) for being depressed, anxious and openly writing fan fiction then I didn’t want to know. If they couldn’t say it to my face then why should I let them post it anonymously? I was depressed enough as it was without it encouraging a cyberbullying free-for-all.

I started blogging again when I left high school but only got into a routine in the last 3 months and these days I blog as a way to stop myself from bottling up how I feel. It acts as a release of sorts. When an article is finished, uploaded and published I feel this sense of relief that comes from physically releasing my thoughts out into the world and it helps me to forget about whatever I’ve been writing about for a while. The only downfall from this, though, is knowing that what I say is out there for everyone to see and it makes me extremely anxious waiting to see if anyone comments with something negative about it or criticises it without being constructive as I am so used to receiving comments from people over the years telling me that I’m “crazy”, that I should just “get over it” and to “get a life” because “no one cares”. This has played a huge part in my need to be anonymous; to stop the comments from getting to the point where they are attacking me personally for my looks or for who they think I am based off of going to school with me and not even knowing me.

My Writing History:

I have been writing fictional short stories based on my depression and anxiety for years now – at least since I was about 12 so that’s 13 years of writing – and decided around 7 years ago that I would start writing openly about my own life. I more or less only wrote my journal-style posts for myself for nearly 7 years until I decided to venture out into posting more informational pieces and wanted to see how it would do if I were to suddenly start promoting it on Twitter (and make said social media account for it). I also have a website that hosts fictional stories that I am currently in the process of relaunching and at some point will probably link to it from here – if I ever get over the fear of showing you all the fictional things that I have created.

The original version of the blog started as a bit of an online journal where I would write about what I had been up to, how I felt and whatever had been causing my distress that week and has now turned into a blog that has not only made myself feel not as alone but has made other people feel like someone else was in the same boat. The amount of connections I have made because of this blog has been phenomenal and I am completely taken aback by the response to it.

Being Overwhelmed:

When I feel overwhelmed I take to writing and it helps me to refocus and not concentrate on whatever has been bothering me. As of this year, though, blogging has been a tad overwhelming so I’ve been writing more and more which is both a blessing and a curse (hello, Blogtober). The blog has done better than I ever could have imagined in such a short amount of time and it’s been quite surprising to me to see just how well it has done as until this year no one cared about what I wrote or even how I felt. That in itself is just mind blowing.

A Change:

As a result of making the Twitter account for this blog, it has really boosted my confidence in writing. I would even go as far to say that this version of my blog has been a bit of life changer. It’s so weird to know that people actually like the real me and are willing to keep coming back week after week (or in Blogtober’s case; day after day) to get to know me better and to help us all to not feel as alone. I feel better about myself too and I’m so happy that a lot of you have messaged me over the last few months to say that you feel better too or that my posts have given you the confidence to seek help or to even be a bit more social on social media. I’m not a doctor or mental health care professional by any means but I have been through a lot of treatment over the years as well as just experiencing things like agoraphobia and severe anxiety & depression and I’m so glad that I am able to share with you all my experiences and what I’ve learned from being in treatment.

So: thank you from the bottom of my heart for either coming back time and time again or for even being a new reader. There are over 500 of you on Twitter who read my blog, who choose to message me whether it’s just to say “hi” or because you need a friend and whom are just some of the loveliest people ever. It amazes me how many times certain posts of mine get viewed, how many of you “like” my Instagram posts and how many of you RT things I Tweet over on Twitter. It’s not about the numbers, though. It’s about the loving and caring nature of it all. I’ve never felt such love before and it’s all down to you wonderful lot.

Thanks for sticking by me!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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My Experience with... Depression

My Experience with… Depression

As some of you are aware from previous posts of mine; I’ve had depression from a very young age. I showed signs of having it from when I about 10 but was only officially diagnosed with having it at 19 when I was no longer considered being of school age. I think I have mentioned before that my doctor didn’t want to formally diagnose me until I was out of school and I think that it’s because it is not really recommended to give anti-depressants to children/teenagers. Initially it was put down to “being a teenager”, “hormones” and “rebellion” – which I resented as I wasn’t intentionally being rebellious; I felt like I was drowning and bullying at school made me not want to go (it made me so anxious and down) so, if I could get out of going to school, I would. In my post about anxiety I wrote that I would call up the school myself and tell them that I wasn’t going back (if it was after lunch) or that I just wasn’t going in at all that day. Being depressed and anxious made me physically ill (on top of dealing with horrendous periods but I’ll skip that for now) so I often felt too sick to even get out of bed and didn’t want to go to school for fear of being sick in class and not being able to get to a toilet in time. I would constantly have breakdowns – particularly the night before homework was due in or tests – and I regularly battled between not sleeping most nights (Sunday nights – Thursday), getting an hour or so of sleep, waking up every 20-30 mins or even sleeping too much (Fri nights – Sunday daytime. I was so low, physically & mentally ill and tired, and no matter how many times I went to the doctors or told my teachers; no one seemed to want to help. The bullying made me suicidal, as I stated in my anxiety post. I didn’t want to go to school where I had to be with those people and I didn’t want to have my home life invaded by them either as by the time I was in my final year of Primary School, the bullies had literally brought their insults and taunts to my front door. It was a really miserable time.

I thought things would be different when I went to college but it wasn’t. I was still being bullied, this time by new people who I had no connection with, and I was having a really difficult time with coping. It was during college that I had such a massive breakdown that I was signed off sick for weeks at a time until I eventually had to leave about 2 months before the end of my course due to being so unwell, not being able to go to college and not wanting or having the energy to do my coursework. I felt like such a failure for having to leave and sometimes I still do when I’m reminded of it with each new school year and “back to school” post. However, I remind myself that I made the decision to leave because I couldn’t cope and that it wasn’t worth my mental health suffering any more than it already had.

Another thing that affected my depression was the lack of sunlight. Here in Scotland schools start in August and finish in June so a lot of our schooling done in the autumn & winter months but even our springs can be quite dark as well. At college, we started in September so it was already getting darker at night. I left my house at 6:50 in the morning when it was still dark and would return after 6pm, sometimes after 8, when it would be dark again. The only times I saw daylight were walking from the bus to my college and if I happened to look out of the window during lectures. I’d wake up, get ready, go to college, be in lectures from 9-4, get home for 6, have dinner, shower and go straight to bed. My time was either spent in theory classes, at the schools where I did my practical work or in bed crying. I wasn’t living. I merely existed. And I didn’t want to.

I spent the next two years on benefits because I couldn’t work due to my depression and anxiety but, as doctors wouldn’t diagnose me or give me treatment other than medication which I didn’t want to take, I had to sign on every two weeks. Going to the job centre every two weeks would drive anyone insane. It made me feel worse to be made to apply for jobs (otherwise you get sanctioned and your money gets stopped) that I knew either wouldn’t get or wouldn’t keep due to my illnesses. I felt pressured into getting a job every time I went in and was made to feel as though my efforts weren’t enough despite applying for more than 2 jobs a day and going to interviews. They could clearly see that I was in distress but, again, no one wanted to help. It was only after I got my first “proper” (translation: paid) job and lost it due to being ill that my adviser suggested that I apply to get ESA (Employment & Support Allowance). I didn’t even know that that was choice. It seems to be that to be considered a “valuable member of society” you have to get a job and you can’t have illnesses that make you unable to do so as it then automatically makes you a “scrounger”. I’m far from being a scrounger and I’m not lazy; I am mentally unable to cope with having a job due to crippling social anxiety and can’t keep one because most days I can’t even get out of bed due to my depression and severe anxiety. I felt bad even being on benefits but I had my share of bills to pay and no means of being able to live without it and now I feel bad about being on ESA. I didn’t choose to become ill. I didn’t choose to be unable to cope with what goes on in my head and what happens around/to me. It just happened.

I don’t know how to get over these feelings of depression and anxiety or to stop feeling guilty for being on benefits/not being able to work so I do what I feel I do best; I write. Before it was writing fictional pieces loosely based on what I was going through and now I write these blog posts. I still get nervous sharing them, though, as there are people who simply just don’t understand. That makes me scared. It makes me scared that, like when I shared my thoughts and feelings on the internet when I was of school age, that my comments section will be filled with vicious trolls who get a kick out of making people miserable because they know they are susceptible to being tormented by it. Unlike back then, today I can just delete any negative comments and there are ways of banning people so please keep that in mind.

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Self-Care Q&A Response #11 ft Jen

Self –Care Q &A/Tag

Hi there!

I decided to bring back the Self-Care Q&A for Blogtober! To kick-start this short round of responses, I asked the lovely Jen (http://www.beautylifemom.com & https://twitter.com/beautlifemom) if she would like to take part and she said “yes”! If you want to know more about her, you can find her on Twitter and over on her Blog.

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

I know I need self-care when I start feeling a certain way- overworked, tired, stressed, or just haven't gotten around to my typical routines in a while. 

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I usually like to do self-care alone, quiet time is so important to me.  

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

I make it a priority when I can, so not typically. But of course there are crazy weeks when you can't get to it when you want. 

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

I am a mom so naturally he occupies my time and mind, or work/life responsibilities. Also if there's something bothering me I can tend to focus on that and self-care can take a back seat. 

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

I used to since I feel like I need so much of it! But not really anymore-it keeps me sane. I try to balance it out by making sure I do what I need to do responsibility, making sure I do my part. But it's crucial for my mental health to be able to relax. Being overly stressed and neglecting myself is something I like to avoid when possible.

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

There seems to be a routine- like after my son goes to bed. I snatch it when I can get it though, and it's usually around my son's schedule! Weekends as well, but weekends can be busy depending. So kind of a mix! 

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

I keep a bullet journal that has a tracker so I know what I have or haven't been doing. Some are cosmetic- having my nails done around once a week, doing a face mask, etc. But I also make sure I take my vitamins regularly, write in a journal, eat relatively OK, blog etc. I don't know if anyone else is like this but budgeting and paying bills/saving calms me as well. 

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

A lot of times taking a nap or laying down makes a world of difference. Energy always makes me feel better. I vent by talking it out (even if to myself) or just let myself feel my feelings. I also try to be proactive by asking myself what I can do to change the root issue. Taking showers help too.  

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

I always tell myself that no matter what happens, life moves on and everything will be dealt with even if something can be annoying or taxing at the time. I remind myself that it's ok if I feel down, just don't stay there if I can help it. I also created a mantra this past summer, "move with yourself"- to allow for the changes I experience within myself and the world around me. Because turns out I evolve more than I realize, as does the world. No reason to fight it.               

                                                  

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this?

Invest in your hobbies and passions, no matter what they are. That could mean spending on it (not going broke of course) but also it means setting time aside for it. It will make you happier and people are happier when you are! Also, learn to say no to things if it's not necessary (which you have to decide if it is or not). Make happiness a priority when you can! 

~ Over this next month I’ll be bringing you 3 more posts packed with answers so stay tuned!

Again, you can find Jen at http://www.beautylifemom.com/ and www.twitter.com/beautlifemmom.

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.

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The Circle of Avoidance

The Circle of Avoidance

When we avoid things, whilst it may help you to feel less anxious in the short term, in the long term it can worsen your problems. This is when the circle of avoidance may occur. The issue with avoidance is that it’s teaching you that the only way to deal with a bad situation is to avoid it which is really unhelpful. Avoiding things also lessens your chance of finding out that your fear worst, more often than not, do not occur. This in turn worsens your anxiety and leaves you feel low in confidence & self-esteem.

Anxiety à Avoiding anxiety-inducing situations àRestricted living and low confidence & self-esteem à makes you feel worse à Anxiety, and the circle continues.

*Note: Pieces about Mental Health Information are based off of what I have been taught and the "homework" books that were given are used as a guideline for these posts. Whilst I may have been taught these things by health care professionals, I am not one and information may change or be inaccurate. If you feel at risk by your thoughts and feelings or have concerns about you health; please seek help from loved ones and health care professionals. This information is not to be used to self-diagnose. If you know you have hypochondriac tendencies, are sensitive to subjects like bullying, depression and anxiety, and are easily triggered then information and experiences shared in this blog may cause distress. I have tried my best to provide trigger warnings and warnings about sensitive subjects but please read at your own discretion.

 

Social Media Cleanses

Social Media Cleanses

Periodically I like to do social media cleanses. I find them to be a quick, easy mental reset when I’m getting weighed down by what I see on social media. With my illnesses and who I am; it’s so easy for me to “catch” how other people are feeling – mostly when they are feeling low – and it brings me down even more so here are some of my tips for doing a social media cleanse.

1. Unfollow/unfriend. If there are people on your social media platforms that you have no connection with now or who are just toxic; unfriend/unfollow them. You won’t miss them because you haven’t spoken in so long and, to be honest, they won’t even notice.

2. Mute/unfollow (Facebook) them. If you have people that you just can’t unfriend/unfollow because they’re family, friends or the type who will make you feel bad for unfollowing them (Twitter)/unfriending them then simply put their account on mute or use the unfollow feature on Facebook. You won’t see their posts and they won’t be any the wiser.

3. Go offline for a while. I usually go offline for a day to test the waters (and by that I mean; see how I feel). If what I see annoys me/makes me want to fire back a response then I stay offline. Nothing good ever comes from responding to anything when you’re wound up. Avoid using your phone/laptop at all – if you can – to remove all temptation of looking at the likes of Facebook, Twitter etc.

That’s it, really. I go through those 3 stages whenever everything online gets to be too much for me. I avoid all social media sites, I don’t Tweet anything bar my usual promotional Tweets and ways of contacting me in an emergency or if it’s urgent.

Apologies for such a short post today. Aside from that really being all there is to doing a social media cleanse I just figured that, what with there being so many posts to look forward to, I didn’t want to bore you all with having loads of lengthy ones.

Is there anything you think I’ve missed out? Feel free to let me know in the comments below!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Introduction to Blogtober

Intro to Blogtober

Welcome to Blogtober! For those who don’t know, “Blogtober” is when bloggers aim to post every day of October. I’m not sure who originated it (if you do then let me know below in the comments) but I thought it was a great idea. I was originally only toying with the idea of doing it as I was worried that it may have been too much to take on, both anxiety-wise and the fact that that means finding enough content for 31 posts but, with a lot of planning involved and getting a head start in August, I feel pretty confident that I’ll have a new post up for you every day from 11am onwards.
Sundays are going to be dedicated to doing a catch-up of everything you may have missed during the week post-wise. As today is Sunday (which is not my usual post day), and it also marks the start of Blogtober, I thought I would give you a) an update/review of everything that has happened blogging-wise since I made a fresh start on Blogger back in April and b) a run-through of what to expect over the next month.

According to an email I received from Tumblr recently; this year is the 7 year anniversary of when I made the “Anxiously Me” Tumblr account. I didn’t really start posting anything to it until about 4 years ago (I decided not to move them over to here), left it for about 2 years, posted a couple of posts that you can see under the “Mental Health Information” section (oh, and blogs 1-3!) and then made the move over to Blogger on 27^th of April this year. As there really wasn’t much documented on Tumblr over the years and I didn’t use it as a blog (plus no one took it seriously because, well, it was on Tumblr), I looked at this move as being the start of my blogging hobby. At the end of April, again I didn’t really post much other than what I moved over from Tumblr (9 or so posts in total and a couple of updates). Between May and the end of June I posted a couple of new pieces  and I changed my posting schedule to bi-weekly but it was only on the 27^th of June that I started to take it “seriously”. By then I had nearly 500 views over the course of the 3 months and decided to set a goal of 1,000 views by the 27^th July to mark 3 months since the revamping of “Anxiously Me”. I was completely blown away when I logged in on the 4^th July to find that, through the help of my readers, I hit my target early by 23 days. I then decided upon reaching a goal of 2,000 for the end of August and, again, was shocked when I reached that on the 17^th July. As of 25^th September the view count was over 8k. Numbers aren’t everything, though, and they don’t matter to me in a selfish sense (I’m not doing this for popularity or for benefits like freebies etc), it’s just a way of tracking how far I’ve come. Plus it’s so nice to know that people actually read what I have to say and that they want to keep coming back to see the next instalment. There have been times when I’ve had to log out completely as I’ve been so overwhelmed by the responses I’ve had from readers saying that it’s helped them to not feel so alone and that my words have brought a smile to their face that I’ve had a little cry.

Now for the schedule! As I will be posting every single day of October, I have decided that each day will have a theme. That means that you will see the same types of posts on Mondays, a different type on Tuesdays, Wednesday etc. The end of the month will be a bit different though as the last 2 days are on a Monday and Tuesday - after another weekly recap on the Sunday - and therefore would be the start of a new week so it would be a bit weird leaving Blogtober on the kinds of posts I'm putting up on Mondays and Tuesday but I will work out something to post on those days anyway!

With that said, I hope you’ll stick around for the next 30 days – I have so many new posts that I’m so proud of that I can’t wait to share with you. If all goes well I may even consider doing “Blogmas”!

Anxiously,
Me

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