Can't Sleep

Can’t Sleep

Just before Christmas my anxious brain thought it would be hilarious if I could no longer sleep in the dark (or at all a lot of the time) and since then I have either been up all night or coasting by on very little sleep. In the 14 months before that I had finally managed to get into a pattern of falling asleep before midnight (or at least before 2am) and waking up at a reasonable time (for me this is before 10am) after over a decade of being unable to sleep before 4am (or not sleeping at all) and not being able to get out of bed before 3pm.
For those who are familiar with my late night tweets (you can follow me here) then you’ll know that, for me, being in the dark leads to panic attacks. It’s not that I’m afraid of the dark in the traditional sense( I’m very aware that monsters and demons do not live under my bed but rather in my head), it’s the fact that the darkness feels rather smothering and that in turns means that I – quite literally – cannot breathe. In cases like that I usually open my window up as wide as I can and breathe in and out for counts of 10. However, that is a lot easier said than done when it’s winter and the Beast from the East has taken over. I’ve had to resort to using distraction techniques instead to take my mind off of an attack.

*Trigger Warning – Don’t read the next line if associated words trigger you. If you want to know the triggers are then they listed next.*

*Triggers: panic attacks, nightmares, death*

Here is a breakdown of this time period and how I managed to feel even just slightly better about falling asleep and how I’ve managed to get at least a couple of hours sleep each night:

This first night started with a panic attack. As soon as it started to get dark outside (around 3pm) I could feel the panic is my constantly anxious body rising and I knew that I would be in for a night of broken sleep at best. I managed to stave off a panic attack until the time I got into bed at about 8pm. That may sound really early for some of you but, with my depression being worse due to the winter months and lack of sunlight, I’ve been finding it hard not to be in bed ready to wind down enough to sleep before 7:30pm. I managed to get through the panic attack but, like they always do, it left me feeling rather deflated, lethargic and unable to get my mind off of it. It might sound cheesy but putting on a Westlife tour DVD that night really helped me to at least not think of what my brain and body had just gone through. All until I wanted to go to sleep. I had managed to drift off just after 2am but was awoken by an anxiety nightmare (I have no idea why anyone calls them “anxiety dreams” as I certainly don’t consider one of my dreams to be discovering that my teeth are shattering and falling out) and a bit of a fever at 3. The nightmare had felt so real that even though I was checking with my tongue, I couldn’t feel my teeth for a good five minutes. It was like my tongue had gone numb or just that it just didn’t recognise what my teeth felt like and it made the aftermath all the worse. It took me a while to calm down (I recall looking at the clock and seeing that it was after 5 in the morning) with the help of deep breathing and putting on “Friends” quietly in the background. By having a focal point I managed to concentrate on breathing and very slowly all my senses came back to me. It no longer felt like I was underwater and I decided that I was brave enough to try to sleep again. I only slept for about 3 hours in total but it was so much better than not sleeping at all.

Since then I haven’t felt comfortable enough to fall asleep without a familiar comedy playing in the background and for the first few nights I purposely only watched Westlife tour DVDs before attempting to sleep as they are guaranteed to make me feel well enough to do so. Even though Westlife haven’t been together in about 6 years they still bring me immense amounts of joy and bring a sense of calmness over me. I owe a lot to them but I’ll leave that for another post.
After a couple of nights I felt well enough not to put on one of their shows and switched to watching at least one movie before changing over to “Friends” or another movie that I have previously seen because my anxious brain’s FOMO (fear of missing out) is apparently still prevalent even when I’m alone and I know can watch the movie again thanks to Netflix or even my DVD collection. Some nights I would just switch on “Friends” straight away and watch a couple of episodes before falling asleep and then watching the ones I had slept through the next day.

It’s been about twelve weeks since this cycle started and I am yet to feel like I can go to sleep without the TV being on. Aside from having frequent panic attacks, I also struggle with the intense feeling of panic that I am going to die if I close my eyes or that something bad will happen if I do. It has also been during this time that my phone, which is usually on silent because ringtones get on my nerves after a while and notification sounds trigger my misophonia (so they can do one), has been set to sound or, at the very least, vibrate as this fear that someone needs to get a hold of me late at night to tell me something has gone wrong/someone’s in hospital or has died has taken over my life. I should probably tell you that just before this period of not being able to sleep started that my brother had been taken into hospital and both my mother and I could not be reached at that time and I was also dealing with anxiety over pains and lumps I had found, so it (being unable to sleep) was bound to happen at some point. Hopefully I’ll be back to my new old self soon.

I hope this post made sense and I’m sorry if I jumped around a lot or if you feel like I missed anything out/glossed over anything. I wrote this a stream of consciousness but tried to stick to the topic of being unable to sleep and it’s subtopics of why I can’t sleep and what I’ve been doing to remedy it.

If you want to know more or want me to go into detail about something that I’ve mentioned then feel free to ask. If you want a list of what programmes/movies I’ve managed to sleep through (because they are familiar) then let me know and I’ll post it as a lighter take on this post. I know some of you like that more in depth look into other people’s brains and what they like/don’t like and I promise that I will not find it intrusive of you to ask for it.

Take care!

Anxiously,

Me

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The Key to Keeping Resolutions

To a lot of people the term “New Year’s Resolutions” sounds rather daunting and final.  “I will lose weight”, “I will quit smoking” sound pretty definite and when they don’t achieve it or fall off the wagon by the second week in January they get rather disheartened and quit.

To combat this, I stopped making “resolutions” about 8 years ago and switched them out for goals. I don’t even make these goals at the start of the year anymore unless I have been contemplating doing something for so long and have decided there and then to make a change. Instead of “I will…” I now say “I will try.” I will try means that you are giving yourself a chance to actually try to actively change something rather than “I must do x/I must do y” and then feeling bad when you don’t stick to it. It means you are allowing yourself the chance to continue should you, say, break from the new lifestyle change you are implementing (I loathe the term “diet” as it only sounds temporary). It also means you are aware that there will be days when things will be more difficult than others and are therefore allowing yourself to be OK with the fact that it’s not going to be plain sailing; that you will try again whether it’s in the next hour, day or when you have recovered.
I firmly believe that one of the only ways to achieve your goals is to change your mentality and not be so hard on yourself when, if your eyes, you’ve failed. Another is to keep trying. The more often you do something, the more likely you are to stick to it. You also have to want to do it. A sure-fire way of resenting what you do and not accomplishing it is doing it purely for other people. If you don’t want it then your heart will not be in it and you will never really be happy with anything you do.

Last year, instead of resolving to lose weight, I thought “it would be really nice if I lost one stone (14lbs) by the end of the year” and then put in effort to do so by changing what and when I ate, making sure I was within the recommended guidelines for calorie intake, sugar intake etc. If I had said “I will lose weight” it would’ve seemed an impossible task as I had vowed to do so before and it had never worked therefore I would quit by week two or by the end of the month. By trying and not being so hard on myself (allowing myself to be fine with knowing that it’s OK to “fail” or have days/periods of time where I was more lenient), not only did I lose one stone (14lbs), I – at the time of writing this – have lose a total of 4 stone 10lbs (66lbs) with only 4lbs to go until I have lost a total of 5 stone (70lbs) and I am now two dress sizes smaller in both my top and bottom halves.
I said I would try to maintain a blog (win) and to relaunch my other passion project (double win). I wanted to do a lot more writing last year  - 25 stories to be exact - and by setting aside some time each day/each week I accomplished that plus more.

This year my goals are to:

Continue to try to lose weight as well as tone up. I needed to do this for my own wellbeing/health but I also wanted to. I did it for me and not because other people told me to. I’ve always been big but I’ve also always been content with who I am as a person and have never seen why I should do what other people say just so that they’ll like me or so that I’ll be included in what they do. Why would I want to be friends with people who couldn’t see past my weight or who wouldn’t take me for who I am?

I want to be more open on my blog’s Twitter account with other projects that I do and what I lend my name to. I have a website that I think a lot of you will enjoy or will support me on and whilst I do promote it on Twitter, I don’t ever say “this is actually mine” as it has links to personal details of mine (my YouTube channel, my nickname etc) that I want to keep separate from the blog.

I want to read more books. I used to read 10+ books a week (not to brag but this was also when I had a social life and a full time job) and now I’m lucky if I read one a month. I’m aiming to finish my second of the year either this weekend (at the time of writing this it is Friday 26^th January) or early next week (the week you’ll see this post) and to start a new one.

I want to write more. I have a goal of 25 stories to write by December. This is a goal I have been keeping annually over the last 4 or so years as part of my other project/website. It started out with just writing enough for ten days and I’ve now built it up to span over 25 days from December 1st up to and including Christmas Day.

I really want to keep questioning why I feel the way I do when I have a bad day and to not let others make me feel bad.

Finally, I want to keep saving up for when I eventually move out and keep buying in smaller items so that when I do, I just need to think about the bigger items like furniture and carpeting.

What are your goals for this year/in the long term?

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Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves

Everyone gets annoyed. It’s a natural reaction. It can be over something little, something major or even a build-up of so many things over a period of time. Usually, for me, when I am stressed and/or sleep deprived I end up getting annoyed by the little things. It doesn’t help that I have misophonia which is sensitivity to selected sounds. I’ve compiled a list of the things that really get under my skin. I’ll put (M) next to the ones that are triggering to my misophonia.

1. People ending statements with a question mark. It just makes you sound unsure of yourself and if you’re not sure about what you’re saying then how can others trust your statement? For example, if someone writes “I had so much fun?” I end up thinking “did you or did you not have fun?” Are you sure you did have fun?

2. Messiness. If I am in a room I can’t concentrate or sleep if it is messy. As some of you may know; I have been known to tidy friends’ rooms when I’ve stayed over (with permission) but if that’s not possible I go home. It still grates on me, though, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I have spoken to mental health workers about this and have been told that I have obsessive compulsive tendencies brought on by stress and anxiety.

3. Open mouthed chewing/eating noisily. (M) When someone starts crunching down on food or smacking their lips it’s all I can hear. My brain tunes into it and seems to amplify the sound. My shoulders end up by my ears and it makes me want to cry. It drives me crazy and I have to remove myself from the room the person is in.

4. People touching me. I can’t stand being touched – even if it’s someone just putting their hand on my knee or putting their hands on my shoulders. Ideally I like people to ask if they can hug me/touch me for whatever reason (haircuts etc) and it’s all down to not feeling safe around people. If you read my Blogtober post about my experiences with bullying then you’ll probably have guessed that my fear of being touched stems from that.

5. Tinny music in public spaces. If you have headphones; use them. I guarantee no one else wants to hear whatever it is you’re listening to. (M)

There are loads more I could list but out of fear of boring you all or just seeming out of my mind for being triggered by the little things I will stop here.

Is there anything else that grates on you?

Anxiously,

Me

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My Experience with... Paranoia

Paranoia

*Before you read this I would like you to remember that what I am discussing affects me daily and whilst it is an entirely irrational series of thoughts, it is very real to me and is to be taken seriously should any comments be made. I am aware that I sound insane when making the points you’re about to read.*

Out of all the things I haven’t talked about, paranoia is one of them. Not because I don’t want to talk about it but because there’s not really much to say about it. I am extremely paranoid whenever I go out and, at the risk of sounding completely insane, it got so bad when I was 15/16 that I had to take down all of my posters.
I know this started back when I was in school just like a lot of my disorders/illnesses but I can’t quite pinpoint when it started. I know I was at least 15/16 when it got really bad, as pointed out previously, but it’s one of those things that I’ve always felt. I know it started because when I was in Primary School people used to laugh and point at me, and they would make up rumours (childish ones like “she’s so weird”). When I got to high school the pointing, staring, laughing and whispering got even worse that even now I’m convinced that anytime someone is looking at me or when a conversation stops when I walk into a room/past others it’s because of something negative about me – my hair is a mess, I’m too ugly, too fat etc. etc. This is why I had to remove the posters because, no matter where you were in the room, eyes were on you (even though they couldn’t actually see you). I can’t even have my favourite bands/artists as a background on my laptop as it would be there on start-up and shut down and all dvd and CD cases are either in cupboards or boxes because I find them disturbing – and that’s just because the person on the cover was looking directly at the camera.

I’m aware that I sound completely bat-shit crazy but that is how insane paranoia makes you. It’s not rational – as I said I know whoever is on a magazine or CD cover isn’t actually looking at me because there is no way a two-dimensional object can possess the power of sight – but it is something that takes over my daily life. I don’t even like getting changed in front of the Netflix or YouTube home screens because of it, I have every camera (web cams, phone cameras) in my room at is covered and my curtains either don’t get opened or are drawn most of the day when I’m feeling at my worst. Thankfully my paranoia doesn’t extend to other people’s belongings but I do hide when the cameras come out.
I can’t eat in front of others as it makes me extremely uncomfortable. This began in Primary School as I was either being teased about what I had (tuna pasta isn’t “cool”, apparently) or shamed for eating at all because I’m “big enough as it is”. Often this would result in me finding my snack had been stolen and my lunch tampered with. In high school this developed into people throwing their lunch or home economics (cookery class) creations at me. Thanks, peers. You really saved me from those pre-existing medical conditions and medications that made me gain weight and made it impossible for me to lose weight. It was clearly what I ate that brought it on. *insert eye roll emoticon”.
Paranoia also controls whether or not I go out or do certain things in front of others (for example: eating as mentioned above or going to the gym). And I find that I need my distraction techniques whenever I dare to venture outside to stop me from completely breaking down in public.

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

The main features of obsessive compulsive disorder are:
obsessive thoughts; a person may notice upsetting or even anxious thoughts continuously popping into their heads time and time again. These can ended up going around in their heads for a a very long time.
and compulsive behaviours  (usually occurring with said thoughts).
These can not only be very upsetting but scary as well and the person may try to avoid the situations that trigger these thoughts to prevent them from happening in the first place or will feel compelled to go along with them to prevent harm (say one of these thoughts is presented as “I must do x this amount of times to prevent x from happening”).
They may carry out rituals such as repeating a particular prayer or word/phrase to make these thoughts go away/decrease in intensity or to keep someone safe.
They may also do certain activities to stop harmful consequences such as checking locks and switches.

A lot of people notice that is it a particular behaviour that they have to carry out in order to feel “right” such as excessively cleaning a room or even their hands.

Many of these things are, when not overcome by compulsion, are completely rational (checking locks before leaving the house). However, with OCD, these rational actions/behaviours/thoughts become excessive and the person ends up repetitively going through the same actions/behaviours/thoughts until their mind tells them that it is safe to, for example, leave the house or even go to bed. 


*Note: Pieces about Mental Health Information are based off of what I have been taught and the "homework" books that were given are used as a guideline for these posts. Whilst I may have been taught these things by health care professionals, I am not one and information may change or be inaccurate. If you feel at risk by your thoughts and feelings or have concerns about you health; please seek help from loved ones and health care professionals. This information is not to be used to self-diagnose. If you know you have hypochondriac tendencies, are sensitive to subjects like bullying, depression and anxiety, and are easily triggered then information and experiences shared in this blog may cause distress. I have tried my best to provide trigger warnings and warnings about sensitive subjects but please read at your own discretion.

Coping & Distraction Techniques

Coping/Distraction Techniques

My need for distractions began, like with my disorders, at a very young age. I would come home and the first thing I would do was go to my room and listen to music to escape the torment of bullies and to stop their vicious words from going around in my head on a continuous loop, completely destroying me and driving me insane. Here is a small list of distraction techniques that I use when I’m going into situations that cause me distress like travelling and when I begin to feel run down my by depression and anxiety:

Music/iPod – I like to listen to a lot of the artists featured on my favourite bands & artists list from week one of Blogtober. If I’m at home I will have them on whilst I write up posts that make me incredibly sad to rehash or they will be on whilst I take some time to just lay on my bed and breathe. If I’m out and about I will charge up my iPod the night before to make sure it has enough battery to last the length of my travel time or for however long I may be in a particular shop.

Movies/Programmes/YouTube – Sometimes music isn’t enough and I need a visual distraction. This is when my favourite movies come out and I watch some of my favourite programmes on Netflix or I watch some of favourite YouTubers listed here.

Tapping – We had a session where the facilitator taught us about tapping pressure points. You start at the top of your body and you use two or more fingers to tap parts of your body to a particular beat. You make your way down, tapping various pressure points and repeat until you feel calm. You can even say positive affirmation with it for something like “I am not afraid of x, I am in a safe place” as long as they follow the same beat – like when making up a rhyme.

My phone/Kindle – As with movies/programmes and YouTube, sometimes you need more than background noise to feel calm or, in cases like mine, safe. My phone allows me to have a physical distraction if I’m waiting for someone and they are late (I’m always early too due to my anxiety issues which doesn’t help in this case). I also always have it on me so I can keep in contact with my parents as I rely on that contact to keep me from driving myself sick.  Along with my phone, my Kindle allows me to talk to my friends who are available about how I’m feeling and it also provides other forms of distraction such as access to YouTube, games and music.

Breathing techniques – Again, this was something were taught in one of our group sessions. There are a few but the one that seems to be working for me when I’m coming down from having a panic attack is the one where you breathe in for a count of, say 8, and then out again for a little bit longer. It helps to steady my breathing and allows me to get enough oxygen if I have been hyperventilating.

Continuing on this list but as coping methods, these are some of the signs that I am getting more anxious than usual.

Bouncing my leg – I could be sitting down or on my bed and my knee will bounce up and down. I also have a habit of tapping the sides of my feet against each other or the soles of my feet.

Rocking – I’ve has a habit of doing this since I was a kid. According to my mum I used to rock back and forth in a corner if there was a thunder storm outside. This still happens but when I’m feeling like I can’t cope.

Thumb twiddling – I do this a lot when I’m watching TV. I’ve found that it happens if I’m watching a distressing scene or if I feel myself getting emotionally involved with a movie or programme. 

Nail biting – This is a habit that, fortunately, I have been able to kick. It used to be that during term time at Primary School, High School and even college I would be constantly biting my nails because I was constantly worrying about what my peers were going to do or say to me.

A lot of the techniques described above for distraction only help me in the short term or when I’m coming down from a particularly bad episode and have no energy to even move. Oftentimes I have to get to a point where I’m relaxed enough to even think about doing them mindfully – something I will touch on at a later date. To further relax myself I will take a hot shower with some of the products I listed last week.

I think that is is for now; nothing else is coming to mind… Oh! Writing. I do a lot of writing too. Not because I want to have content for my blog or for my website but because it helps to take my mind off of whatever is causing me distress.

I’d best let you go for now, this post is long enough hahaha. See you tomorrow for another post!

Anxiously,
Me

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Avoiding Situations

Avoiding Situations

When you feel stressed and anxious, it is common to put things off and avoid going to certain places – particularly if you have had a bad experience/felt panicky or anxious there before. Later on, though, it becomes more difficult to revisit that place in case you then feel anxious there again and become overwhelmed.

An example of anxiety leading to avoidance is:
feeling physical symptoms of anxiety (for example; heart racing, feeling dizzy) in a busy shop which then leads to feeling ill/wobbly. You then feel like you need to leave that place so you abandon your shopping and get out into the fresh air as soon as possible. You then return, say a week, later but the same feelings start to stir so you leave before you get to the till again. After that, you don’t feel like going back as every time you have so far has made you feel really bad so you think of other ways to get your shopping. This may include getting someone else to do your shopping for you or even doing it online. You may even end up going to smaller shops with less choice that are more expensive just to avoid the one where you felt anxious. Soon you end up avoiding going shopping altogether as you end up associating shopping with feeling anxious.
This may also occur with public transport, making phone calls etc.

You may find yourself avoiding certain situations in case you end up feeling anxious/physical symptoms of anxiety. This is referred to as “fear of fear” as it means you are frightened of doing something in case it leads to you feeling physical symptoms of anxiety.

Not everyone feels this way. Many associate this feeling with having to “get a grip” of themselves. Sometimes, though, it is not that easy and you still find yourself feeling bad. 

It is important to remember that the more you avoid a situation, the worse you will feel. It is also important to gradually expose yourself back into said situations as the more often you do it, the less anxious you will feel.

*Note: Pieces about Mental Health Information are based off of what I have been taught and the "homework" books that were given are used as a guideline for these posts. Whilst I may have been taught these things by health care professionals, I am not one and information may change or be inaccurate. If you feel at risk by your thoughts and feelings or have concerns about you health; please seek help from loved ones and health care professionals. This information is not to be used to self-diagnose. If you know you have hypochondriac tendencies, are sensitive to subjects like bullying, depression and anxiety, and are easily triggered then information and experiences shared in this blog may cause distress. I have tried my best to provide trigger warnings and warnings about sensitive subjects but please read at your own discretion.

Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia.

Google’s Definition: extreme or irrational fear of open or public places.

Dictionary Definition: Noun, Psychiatry - an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

My agoraphobia started back when I was in high school. Back then I didn’t know it was agoraphobia or even anxiety that was causing it; I just knew that I couldn’t stand being in crowds or in big groups for very long and that this intense feeling made me want to run away and stay at home. As I said; I didn’t know that there was a name for this feeling and no one seemed to understand that when I felt this way I needed to leave whatever situation I was in and either come back when there was no one around (if it was a busy place) or be in an environment where I felt safe (at home with only my family) and that when I felt this way I couldn’t bear to be with anyone bar my parents. I would feel myself getting ill at even the thought of going out and would have what I would eventually discover to be panic attacks.


It made being with my group of friends quite difficult as in spite of being left out of many plans, I would find myself making excuses (too busy with homework, seeing my best friend who lived miles away etc) just in case they ever did invite me out. I thought that this was just because I had grown so accustomed to being left out and to being bullied whenever I left the house that I was putting a stop to getting hurt in the first place but it turns out that this panicky state I was getting into was due to anxiety. In a way, it did grow from my fears of being bullied and left out but sometimes I wonder if I was always just supposed to be this way because I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious.

From the age of 17 this feeling only grew stronger. It got to the point where at school I would only hang out with my friends at the bottom of the back staircase during break as no one went there and if they wanted to move away from that area, I was stay behind by myself as the thought of going out into crowded hallways where I would be shoved and going out onto the grounds where I was be used as target practice for ball-based sports and as a human bin for other kids’ home economics (cookery class) creations terrified me. I was being allowed out of my classes 5 minutes early (thanks to my P.E teacher when I entered 3rd year at 14 who also let me study in the library during her classes to avoid the bullies) in order to beat the crowds and get to classes safely and at home time I was allowed out 10 minutes early to be able to get far enough away from the school that I would nearly be home by the time the rest of the kids got out. By college I was only going out to go to classes, my work placement or to a kids’ club I was a leader at. I was barely getting by due to my anxiety and depression and the only thing that made me happy was that one night a week where I could focus on entertaining the children with my best friend at my side. After I left college (you can find out the story behind that here) I was unemployed for two years and only left the house to sign on at the job centre or go to interviews for jobs that I didn’t even want. Nothing was going right, I was a complete mess and it led to me being even more depressed and anxious.

I would love to be able to tell you that now I go out as often as I can and enjoy it but that would be a lie and if there’s one thing I am not; it is a liar. I still hardly go out. I used to be in a routine over the last year or so where I would go to a group session one day a week and go into town every Friday but even that has stopped as I am longer seen by the department where I was receiving said treatment and have been waiting since last December for a referral to another. Going out it still extremely scary to me and I’m still recovering from all the times my now ex-best friend would guilt trip me into going out. I didn’t want to go out because I felt so ill and she would keep going on about how I “barely did anything”. Eventually she would say she desperately needed something and I would pull on my shoes and coat because I can’t stand people to go without.

Anxiously,

Me


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10 Rules for Coping with Panic

10 Rules for Coping with Panic

1. Do breathing techniques – breathe in through your nose for a count of 8 and then out through your mouth for the same length of time.

2. Try not to run away from the place where your panic attack occurs. The longer you wait, the better you should feel as the fear begins to pass. If you keep leaving when you feel at your worst then it gets harder to return.

3. Your body has a natural “fight or flight” response and the panic attack is an exaggeration of this.

4. Whilst they might be intense; these feelings will not harm you and are not dangerous.

5. Try to rationalise your feelings. Look out for catastrophic and exaggerated thinking.

6. Take notice of what is actually happening in/to your body (physical symptoms) - not the fear - and keep breathing. It will pass.

7. It may seem obvious but the fear will fade once you stop adding frightening thoughts into the mix.

8. Take the panic attack as a time to practice coping techniques. You are learning how to cope with your fear without avoiding it.

9. Think of all the progress you have already made – there are no little accomplishments when recovering. Everything you accomplish – be it big or small – is a key part in your recovery.

10. When the feeling of panic/panic attack goes away; look around you. Make a list of what you want to do next – where you want to go, who you want to see etc – and move on at your own pace.

*Note: Pieces about Mental Health Information are based off of what I have been taught and the "homework" books that were given are used as a guideline for these posts. Whilst I may have been taught these things by health care professionals, I am not one and information may change or be inaccurate. If you feel at risk by your thoughts and feelings or have concerns about you health; please seek help from loved ones and health care professionals. This information is not to be used to self-diagnose. If you know you have hypochondriac tendencies, are sensitive to subjects like bullying, depression and anxiety, and are easily triggered then information and experiences shared in this blog may cause distress. I have tried my best to provide trigger warnings and warnings about sensitive subjects but please read at your own discretion.

Why I Started Blogging

I have a passion for writing and I’ve had several blogs over the last 12 or so years. Back then it wasn’t referred to as “blogging” – it was just posting about whatever came to mind on sites like MySpace. I stopped when I got to about the age of 15 as by then bullies at school where using it as a way to cyber bully me and I couldn’t face logging in to yet another torrent of abuse. There wasn’t a protocol for reporting it either as at that point cyberbullying wasn’t a term that was being used and there was no way of prosecuting anyone for it. There wasn’t even awareness that this was an actual thing that was happening. I made the mistake of making an ask.fm account in my final year of high school and the cyberbullying continued. As there was the option to be anonymous, I noticed that the influx of mean messages increased when I got to college and started doing the work experience part of the course. There was a distinct difference in tone between the people I went to school with and those that I was at college with/working with so I just thought it best to close down the account. If that was how everyone saw me - “batty”, “fat”, “ugly”, “miserable c***” (and a whole lot worse that I won’t repeat because I really don’t feel like reliving what made me suicidal or end up triggering anyone) for being depressed, anxious and openly writing fan fiction then I didn’t want to know. If they couldn’t say it to my face then why should I let them post it anonymously? I was depressed enough as it was without it encouraging a cyberbullying free-for-all.

I started blogging again when I left high school but only got into a routine in the last 3 months and these days I blog as a way to stop myself from bottling up how I feel. It acts as a release of sorts. When an article is finished, uploaded and published I feel this sense of relief that comes from physically releasing my thoughts out into the world and it helps me to forget about whatever I’ve been writing about for a while. The only downfall from this, though, is knowing that what I say is out there for everyone to see and it makes me extremely anxious waiting to see if anyone comments with something negative about it or criticises it without being constructive as I am so used to receiving comments from people over the years telling me that I’m “crazy”, that I should just “get over it” and to “get a life” because “no one cares”. This has played a huge part in my need to be anonymous; to stop the comments from getting to the point where they are attacking me personally for my looks or for who they think I am based off of going to school with me and not even knowing me.

My Writing History:

I have been writing fictional short stories based on my depression and anxiety for years now – at least since I was about 12 so that’s 13 years of writing – and decided around 7 years ago that I would start writing openly about my own life. I more or less only wrote my journal-style posts for myself for nearly 7 years until I decided to venture out into posting more informational pieces and wanted to see how it would do if I were to suddenly start promoting it on Twitter (and make said social media account for it). I also have a website that hosts fictional stories that I am currently in the process of relaunching and at some point will probably link to it from here – if I ever get over the fear of showing you all the fictional things that I have created.

The original version of the blog started as a bit of an online journal where I would write about what I had been up to, how I felt and whatever had been causing my distress that week and has now turned into a blog that has not only made myself feel not as alone but has made other people feel like someone else was in the same boat. The amount of connections I have made because of this blog has been phenomenal and I am completely taken aback by the response to it.

Being Overwhelmed:

When I feel overwhelmed I take to writing and it helps me to refocus and not concentrate on whatever has been bothering me. As of this year, though, blogging has been a tad overwhelming so I’ve been writing more and more which is both a blessing and a curse (hello, Blogtober). The blog has done better than I ever could have imagined in such a short amount of time and it’s been quite surprising to me to see just how well it has done as until this year no one cared about what I wrote or even how I felt. That in itself is just mind blowing.

A Change:

As a result of making the Twitter account for this blog, it has really boosted my confidence in writing. I would even go as far to say that this version of my blog has been a bit of life changer. It’s so weird to know that people actually like the real me and are willing to keep coming back week after week (or in Blogtober’s case; day after day) to get to know me better and to help us all to not feel as alone. I feel better about myself too and I’m so happy that a lot of you have messaged me over the last few months to say that you feel better too or that my posts have given you the confidence to seek help or to even be a bit more social on social media. I’m not a doctor or mental health care professional by any means but I have been through a lot of treatment over the years as well as just experiencing things like agoraphobia and severe anxiety & depression and I’m so glad that I am able to share with you all my experiences and what I’ve learned from being in treatment.

So: thank you from the bottom of my heart for either coming back time and time again or for even being a new reader. There are over 500 of you on Twitter who read my blog, who choose to message me whether it’s just to say “hi” or because you need a friend and whom are just some of the loveliest people ever. It amazes me how many times certain posts of mine get viewed, how many of you “like” my Instagram posts and how many of you RT things I Tweet over on Twitter. It’s not about the numbers, though. It’s about the loving and caring nature of it all. I’ve never felt such love before and it’s all down to you wonderful lot.

Thanks for sticking by me!

Anxiously,
Me

You can find Anxiously, Me on:
This blog
Twitter
Facebook
Instagram

Self-Care Q&A Response #3 (Fixed)

Note: Tried fixing the original post's font size a total of 6 times but it's just not working. Hoping this version will!

Here is the 3^rd instalment of responses to the “Self-Care Q &A” that I am hosting! Nouf is our contributor this week so please check out her links! (@NoufNotes)!

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

N: I personally know when I need self-care when my mood drops and I start to care less about important things.

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I rarely have time to be alone because I am a full time student and work all the time, so personally I prefer when I set time for self-care it is by myself.

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

Yes. I have such a busy schedule it’s hard to set time for myself when I’m trying to manage academics, work, a social life, and my health.

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

Outside noise is the most disruptive for me. I usually listen to music during my time set aside and it is hard to have to hear other things while the music is playing.

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

I would be lying if I didn’t say yes. I think besides setting time aside for self-care this is one of the reasons it is so hard. I feel guilty in the sense that I feel I should be “more productive” with the time. Obviously self-care is a necessity that everyone should set time aside for, but when you have so much to do it can be hard to remember and not dis-value it.

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

I “go with the flow.” I usually know when I need it by how my body has been acting physically and emotionally.

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

I don’t necessarily have a routine, but there are some things I always try to do. I usually put on a face mask, play some music, and meditate. This is a great way to slow down, clear your head and unwind after a long day. After that I love going to the monuments (It’s an #OnlyAtGW hobby I cherish. Plus it is always pretty!). Being outside and feeling the sun on your skin instantly brightens up my mood.

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

Definitely spending time with friends is a great activity that always cheers me up. I am grateful to say I have such a great group of friends that always radiate positive vibes (when they are not roasting me). This is my go to when I am feeling down because it is guaranteed laughter and good times.

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

One of my flaws is that I constantly compare myself. I push myself harder than anyone else can. Rather than judging what I haven’t accomplished, I realized it is okay to remind myself that “I am enough.”

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this?

Turn off your phone to avoid any outside notifications (just for the moment). The world is moving at such a fast pace that we forget to just slow down, take note of what we need, and know it’s okay to be still for a second.

~ And just like that we are at the end of the post again! You can find Nouf on Twitter and the link to her blog can be found here!

What do you think about the Self Care Q&A responses so far? Do you agree with anything that the contributors have said? Do you have a self-care routine (or segment of one) that hasn’t been spoken about yet?

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.

Self-Care Q&A Response #3

*Edit Note: I have fixed the font size 4 times now but it keeps reverting back to the smallest font size which I have never set it as. No idea what is going on.


Here is the 3^rd instalment of responses to the “Self-Care Q &A” that I am hosting! Nouf is our contributor this week so please check out her links! (@NoufNotes)!

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

N: I personally know when I need self-care when my mood drops and I start to care less about important things.

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I rarely have time to be alone because I am a full time student and work all the time, so personally I prefer when I set time for self-care it is by myself.

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

Yes. I have such a busy schedule it’s hard to set time for myself when I’m trying to manage academics, work, a social life, and my health.

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

Outside noise is the most disruptive for me. I usually listen to music during my time set aside and it is hard to have to hear other things while the music is playing.

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

I would be lying if I didn’t say yes. I think besides setting time aside for self-care this is one of the reasons it is so hard. I feel guilty in the sense that I feel I should be “more productive” with the time. Obviously self-care is a necessity that everyone should set time aside for, but when you have so much to do it can be hard to remember and not dis-value it.

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

I “go with the flow.” I usually know when I need it by how my body has been acting physically and emotionally.

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

I don’t necessarily have a routine, but there are some things I always try to do. I usually put on a face mask, play some music, and meditate. This is a great way to slow down, clear your head and unwind after a long day. After that I love going to the monuments (It’s an #OnlyAtGW hobby I cherish. Plus it is always pretty!). Being outside and feeling the sun on your skin instantly brightens up my mood.

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

Definitely spending time with friends is a great activity that always cheers me up. I am grateful to say I have such a great group of friends that always radiate positive vibes (when they are not roasting me). This is my go to when I am feeling down because it is guaranteed laughter and good times.

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

One of my flaws is that I constantly compare myself. I push myself harder than anyone else can. Rather than judging what I haven’t accomplished, I realized it is okay to remind myself that “I am enough.”

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this?

Turn off your phone to avoid any outside notifications (just for the moment). The world is moving at such a fast pace that we forget to just slow down, take note of what we need, and know it’s okay to be still for a second.

~ And just like that we are at the end of the post again! You can find Nouf on Twitter and the link to her blog can be found here!

What do you think about the Self Care Q&A responses so far? Do you agree with anything that the contributors have said? Do you have a self-care routine (or segment of one) that hasn’t been spoken about yet? 

Also, just as a reminder, I always reply to your comments (usually within hours as I'm hardly offline these days). I also get really anxious over my posts - whether the size is too big/small, if it's too long, if the spacing looks weird/bad etc - so if you have any helpful advice, I really would appreciate it.

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.

You can find me on Twitter, Instagram and here on this blog :)

Caffeine & Me

Note: I’ve tried to word things in a way so that they wouldn’t trigger anyone but if you are affected by subjects such as losing weight & eating then this is a little disclaimer that those topics are covered.

Why I Quit Caffeine.

For those of you who know me, you will know that I love coffee. I would get a cappuccino before my lectures at college started, refill during breaks and always had a constant supply when I was working. I very rarely actually made the coffee; I would buy it from local businesses, the college canteen and pre-made cups sold by coffee brands to the corner shop. You might think that this is weird for a coffee lover but I have only ever been into Starbucks once (blasphemy, I know) and as of January this year decided to cut it out of my diet. Not only did I cut out coffee but I also ditched the energy drinks and fizzy juices. Here are my reasons why I cut out caffeine and how it affected me:

1. I wanted to lose weight. Losing weight has always been something that I have found difficult to achieve because of medical reasons but my relationship with caffeine was something that I decided was also a factor in not losing weight.  I had a look at the nutritional values on the packaged and found that the numbers were far higher than I wanted them to be. All the pre-prepared coffee and carbonated drinks were packed full of calories (not to mention sugars & fats) that weren’t even making me feel full so those plus snacking/eating meals was having an effect on my weight.  Therefore I switched to only drinking water and structuring out my meals to coincide with the daily nutritional guidelines.

2. I want to keep my teeth. I may not care about my outward appearance but I am rather fond of my teeth. As you all know: sugary drinks are bad for your teeth and erodes them. I have anxiety-induced dreams of mine falling out and, to be honest, I need them for chewing. I also didn’t spend years in braces just for them to get ruined. Plus paranoia over coffee breath just wasn’t worth it.

3. Caffeine also makes me extremely jittery. As soon as I realised that this was a factor in my anxiety, I cut it down. Removing it is something that I could cut out to reduce anxiety and hopefully help me have a better night’s sleep.

I expected it to be hard but despite having a couple of beverages here and there, it’s actually been a whole lot easier than I thought it would be. I used to rely on it making me feel more awake but it would never work when I needed it to and would only kick in as I was trying to get to sleep. For the last 3 years I’ve been working on drinking more water (and basically not taking any unexpected trips to the dentist) so ditching the fizzy drinks was more of a natural occurrence and I have to say; I don’t miss them.

In the end, cutting out caffeine has helped me in my battle with anxiety. Not only do I sleep better but I’ve also been losing weight steadily (with a diet & lifestyle change) and I’ve not had to have any more treatment done at the dentist bar my usual check-ups. I will occasionally let myself have a coffee or fizzy drink but only on days when I feel really good otherwise it makes me shaky and I go on a downward spiral mentally. I don’t miss it and the effects have only been positive.

So what about you, dear reader? Have you tried cutting out caffeine? If you haven’t; do you think you could?

See you on Friday!

Slightly less anxiously,

Me

Self-Care Q& A with Jenny (Jenny in Neverland) #selfcareqanda

 Welcome back to the “Self-Care Q &A”! This week’s response section is dedicated to the wonderful Jenny (www.jennyinneverland.com/ @jennymarston_xo)! Still working out font, sizing etc so please bare with me! 

1. How do you know when you are in need of some self-care?

J: I usually know if I'm feeling particular anxious: more so than usual. Or if I'm feeling more down than usual. Those two things are always a reminder than I might need to step back and chill out.

2. Once you are aware that you need to take care of yourself, do you usually do so alone or do you have someone you can go to when you need some TLC?

I always practice self care alone. Often, being around other people makes it worse. On the occasion it doesn't but it's hard to differentiate when I need another person and when I don't so usually I keep to myself.

3. Do you find it hard to make time for yourself?

Ummm, in terms of doing things just because I enjoy them and just being "me", yes. Because I'm always worked up about or thinking about something else like blogging, work, life, other people.

4. Is there anything that gets in the way of your “me” time/disrupts it (for me: noises outside can put me on edge or if other people are home I need to be mindful of how long I take, say, in the shower)?

The major thing that gets in the way of my me time and self care is other people - specifically their moods. I'm majorly affected by other people's moods and if they've had a bad day, than can instantly make me feel rubbish and have a crap day too.

5. Do you ever feel guilty for having “me” time?

Nope, never! No one should ever feel guilty for looking after themselves.

6. Do you schedule in “me” time or do you “go with the flow”/only take “me” time when you feel you need it?

I tend to go with the flow and see what happens from day to day.

7. Is there a self-care routine that you try to follow?

No specific routine but there obviously are certain self care activities I like to do.

8. When you feel down/not like your usual self; what do you do to cheer yourself up (hobbies, being with loved ones etc)?

I like to get a cup of tea and chocolate and watch my favourite YouTuber. Or cook myself a meal or watch a documentary.

9. Do you have any mantras that you say to yourself as a pick me up or on a daily basis?

Not on a daily basis but if there's something stressful going on I'll always remind myself that this won't last forever. This stressful phase won't last forever and it'll pass - just like everything else. And that usually makes me feel better.

10. Finally; do you have any self-care tips for anyone who might be reading this?

Find something that works for you. Don't just do what everyone else is telling you to do. And take care of the basics first: eat, drink a glass of water, have a shower, get dressed. Take CARE of yourself.

~ That’s all for this week! Thank you to Jenny for taking part! You can find her on Twitter and if you want to see what she’s been getting up to, you can find her blog at www.jennyinneverland.com! Just click on the underlined words and they will take you straight to her!

Do you have any self-care tips for other people? Is there a specific thing you like to do when you’re feeling down or anxious? Let me know in either the comments below or feel free to dm me on Twitter.

Anxiously,

Me

If you decide to use this, please let me know first and give credit. There’s nothing worse than finding out something that you worked really hard on has been taken and uncredited, sometimes even plagiarised.