Friday, 26 May 2017

Blog 5.1 : Toxic Friendships.

Note: Just a little note before I start to say that the term “bitchy” and possible variations of it appear in these next few posts. I’m aware that it is a derogatory term but it is not intended as such. Where I am from it’s a term for “nagging” others or being mean (any gender). I’m a woman and I’m not offended by this use of it but if you are then I’ll see you in a blog or two. There is no need to make me feel bad about using it and any negative comments shall be removed.

I did a vote over on Twitter about what you wanted to see in this post out of a list of things that have been on my mind since I started writing this blog. These things have, no doubt, contributed vastly to me being this big ball of anxious mess. Out of the three topics: bullying, toxic friendships and school, most of you wanted me to talk about toxic friendships.
I’ve had more than my fair share of them and they are a big part of why I have deep-rooted trust issues when making new friends. It’s not much fun always questioning whether or not someone wants to be your friend because they genuinely like you or if it’s some cruel joke or bet. I end up feeling like I have to over-compensate with proving myself to be the “best friend ever” and offering a unique friend service in order to make friends because growing up I was made to feel like I wasn’t good/worthy enough to deserve a real friend or one who stayed longer than a few weeks. They would get bored and leave because, let’s be honest, no one wants to be friends with the fat girl who likes to sit quietly in a corner reading unless I had the latest toy out of Argos (a kids tattoo maker had the kids swarming around me because they wanted the product and they wanted me to draw their “tattoos” for them which, for once, made me feel wanted and even included even if they only came to me every time they wanted one and never stuck around for the drawing part or after it was done) or they had been exiled from their clique for standing up to the ring leader and had no one else to play with.

These days I’m actually glad that I spent most of my childhood alone in my bedroom because I didn’t have to deal with fake friends or bitchy cliques. It has left me feeling rather lonely for the last five years or so, though, and I still feel like I have to prove my worth to others to get them to look past what is on the outside. Either people can’t see past the fact that I look different or they treat me like I’m invisible which is hilarious because I’m a bigger lady (a topic for another blog, maybe? Before I get comments about how it’s my fault when said commenters know nothing about my physical appearance other than I do have more fat than others) so physically I am more visible than some people. I don’t make much effort to be “presentable” etc as I don’t see the point to it – I’m talking about straightening my hair every time I want to go out or putting on makeup just to go to the shop and I think that’s what has set me apart from other females growing up. I’m get uncomfortable wearing makeup. I actually feel more self-conscious wearing it even if it is just concealer and clear mascara. I wasn’t into makeup or dance but I wasn’t a “tomboy” either. I liked music and would rather be at a concert than a party (not that I got invited to very many after the mandatory whole class invites subsided in primary school). I wasn’t going to compromise who I was for 5-minute-trends and a chance to be “cool” or “popular”.
I need to end this here as to get across just how toxic some of my friendships were I’m going to have to post 2 more blogs after this one. See you next time!

Anxiously,

Me

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